Jenny and Erin

Courage takes many forms. From the person who rushes into a burning building to save another to the individual who speaks up for what they believe. Courage can be divided into two types; something I call reflex courage and life courage. Reflex courage encompasses the quick acts of courage that are done without much thinking. This courage takes over and we act, often before we even realize what we are doing. When the 35W bridge in Minneapolis collapsed, for example, there were many heroes who rushed onto the bridge to save others. This is reflex courage. The individual rarely sits and evaluates their options, rather they just rush in courageously.

The second type of courage, the one that intrigues me, is life courage. This courage we can all practice daily and requires more thought and planning. Life courage has the power to transform each of us in a deep and lasting way. To cultivate life courage one must truly examine themselves, their life and act accordingly. There are several steps to this courage:

First, the action, decision or event must be examined honestly. This is the most difficult step as most of us have learned the fine art of qualifying things with layers of self deception. Pulling aside these layers of self-deception is usually quite painful and scary, as we put up many blinders to avoid seeing the truth. The first step of life courage asks one to truly understand and accept their motivations.

Once one has an understanding of the current situation, the second step of courage requires examining all of the possible choices and outcomes honestly. Again the layers of self deception must be navigated, this time to understand what possible outcomes may actually hold, not what we wish or hope them to be. It is important to avoid placing judgment on these outcomes, rather use them to gain knowledge of what is truly important to us and ascertain whether our life is being lived in accordance to the deepest core of our beliefs and values.

The third step of courage is action. After one has honestly examined all options, it is time to chose an action. This might mean sticking ones neck out, apologizing, changing directions, committing to helping another or allowing ourselves to experience joy without judgment. The most important part of this step is that any action is directly tied to an understanding and acceptance of one’s motivations, whether they are noble or embarrassing.

Lastly, to fully achieve life courage one must own their words and deeds. At this point it is important to trust oneself and be accountable for the consequences of ones individual acts of courage. One must not feel obligated to apologize for themselves, look for a scapegoat or undermine their actions because they do not fit a preconceived image of the person you should be. Being fully held accountable is the true nature of courage.

I have had times of reflex courage, but the times I have experienced deep and meaningful life courage are relatively few. I can count these instances on a single hand. As I grow, in both age and wisdom, I am watching this change.

Related Posts:
Are You A Good Person
Keeping Perspective When You’ve Bitten Off More Than You Can Chew
Understanding the Daunting Goals
Challenging Our Mental Maps

This was the first post on our blog…

Are nice people really nice? What exactly does being a “nice” person mean? Is it really a compliment to be described as nice? I don’t think so. I believe nice people are over-rated. Character traits associated with being “nice”, such as consideration, respect of others, politeness and compassion, are in fact, often missing in people attributed as “nice”. By describing a person as “nice” we are allowing them a socially acceptable, and seldom challenged, mask to hide behind.

In my experience, a person is most often referred to as “nice” when they have no outstandingly good or bad traits and you don’t know how else to describe them. They aren’t the people who disagree with ideas at a meeting, talk too loud or even question the motives of others, because those aren’t very “nice” things to do. Nice people tend instead to be very concerned with all of the other people around them. They are not offensive; they smile a lot and tend to agree in conversation with what is being said. Unfortunately you rarely know where you stand with a nice person because while it is impolite to disagree with you in person they will often repeat the story and their opinions to others for advice, sympathy, a means to propagate their “niceness”, or a way tell you something to avoid hurting your feelings.

Being “nice” allows people to be excused for behaviors that wouldn’t be tolerated from “not nice” or mean people. Nice people seem to feel certain they know what other people want and/or need and will attempt to meet those needs whether invited to or not. It can be very hard to pinpoint a nice person on any behavior (or lack thereof) you are uncomfortable with because by voicing a concern that upsets a nice person you are described as “mean” or “rude” for hurting their feelings.

There are people who seem to wear “nice” as a mask. “Nice” people tend to fall into one of three categories; victims, bullies or victimizers. For example many Midwestern girls are taught to be “nice” to everyone they meet. This early training puts them in danger of becoming an easy target once they venture out into the “big, bad world” and encounter people who aren’t very concerned with being nice back. On the flip side, one can’t count the number of times someone convicted of some horrible crime, such as child molestation or being a serial killer, is repeatedly described in shock by their neighbors as being a “nice” person. Much more common than either the victim or the victimizer is the nice “bully”. This is the person who pushes an agenda under the pretense of being nice and looking out for others best interests. This person may be the passive aggressive friend or co-worker who continually tells you the awful things others are saying about you because they are “just trying to be nice”. If you question the nice bully about their motives they tend to be very hurt or highly offended at how mean you are being - which is quite a powerful tool!

Even though I feel that being nice is at best over-rated and at worst dangerous I am left questioning why is being “nice” so valued in our culture. I wonder if it is tied to our understanding, or perhaps misunderstanding, of manners. Possibly being nice is a substitute for having good manners…

“If your goodness has no edge to it, it is nothing.”
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

What makes a good person? What does it really mean to be “good”? How do you determine if other people are good, and more importantly, how do you determine if you are? Are there different levels of good and are any of them better than others? Although people, and even societies, have different definitions of what makes a person good, there appears to be common denominators.

The first (and easiest) measure we are taught to identify “good” is in relation to our family of origin. We first learn to define good when we are praised as “good little boys and girls”. Since these measures vary by family, they are slightly different for everyone. Our family influences how we view authority, laws, God, relationships and money and help form our initial values and morals. As we grow doing “good” usually equates to doing as well, if not better than one’s parents, and is typically tied to our ability to live within our family’s guidelines of good. We use our family to measure our goodness.

The second layer of a good person emerges when you are asked to both identify and follow rules of authority. This includes a diversity of written and enforced laws – the laws of your country, job and religion - and a larger number of unwritten, but equally enforced, social “laws”. You are walking the “straight and narrow” path and living a good life. Society as a whole deems you as good if you are able to follow all of these rules.

Getting to this level of good is a final destination for many people. Heck, for a lot of people getting to the first level is a good final destination. However, you can go deeper.

There are other types of good. People who don’t just follow all the rules, but are loved and respected despite “marching to their own drum”. They define good and doing good for themselves. This is where the measure of being a good person is examining your personal values and virtues in relation to existing measures. You may start by looking through history or other cultures to define good. Maybe you decide to look past the words of the Ten Commandments to look at the deeper Christian values and virtues . Or maybe you find a slightly different direction by examining how Buddhists define a good person. Or maybe you begin to examine your own values, such as questioning integrity and honesty and beginning to differentiate between the two.

People who have experienced all levels and definitions of good – familial, legal/moral, examining values and virtues - soon find themselves in a strange place where they need to figure out how to live in a world of moral complexity and become a good person on their own terms.

This creates a whole lot of questions. How can something be illegal but not bad or legal but not good? How can you follow all the rules needed to be a “good” person but still be a pretty miserable person, or conversely, how does the heathen down the street come off as a good person? Only then can you begin to choose how to live and to define what is good in your life.

Related Posts:
Nice People Are Overrated
You Don’t Need Manners to Be Nice

Why is being “nice” so valued in our culture? Why do nice guys finish last while the bad boys get the good girls? A couple of weeks ago I argued that Nice People Are Overrated (click here to read that post) and ended up wondering if our fixation on being “nice” is tied to a misunderstanding of manners. I’ve come to the conclusion that having good manners doesn’t constitute being nice or vice versa.

Being nice is a very surface understanding of both manners and interpersonal relationships. In fact, the people we commonly refer to as “nice” usually don’t have very good manners. They appear concerned with others, but their own words and actions betray them for what they are – thoughtless. A nice person, however, believes even their thoughtless words should be counted as nice because they were “trying to be nice”. In the mind of “nice” the outcome (hurt feelings) shouldn’t have more weight than the intention (their “thoughtfulness” or consideration of the other person demonstrated by asking them a question), it is intentions that matter. And suggesting otherwise brands you as “mean”.

Some real-life examples of “nice” in action:

• The nice lady from down the street who asks the adoptive mother of two Asian girls, in front of the children, how much the children cost and comments on how sorry she feels for her that the mother is missing out on the joy of having her own real children.
• The nice guy at work who comments on how much better you look after losing some weight and quickly adds that you didn’t look bad before, you just look so great now.

I’ve seen nice people in these situations argue that they were “just curious” and didn’t intend to hurt anyone’s feelings. They end the conversation feeling the victimized party, not understanding how anyone could think they would have been intentionally mean. Good manners on the other hand imply thoughtfulness, thinking about the other person and their possible point of view before speaking. You can be mentally “checked out” and still be considered “nice”. This isn’t the case with manners.

The same real-life examples for someone with good manners:

• To the adoptive mother of two Asian girls, “Oh, what beautiful girls you have! How old are they and what are their names? You must be so proud.”
• To the co-worker who’s recently lost weight, “You are looking really nice today.”

Same situations but very different words and the people involved are left feeling very different. Let’s not be Pollyanna here, the person with good manners might be dying to ask how expensive it is to adopt from overseas and your best buddy male co-worker may suddenly seeing you as an attractive potential date for the first time. But consideration for the other party overrides the first words or questions that come to mind.

On the surface being nice and having good manners both focus on the “other”. So how can they be so different? Being nice is all about self-denial, thus breeding resentment. A “nice” person has been taught from childhood to put others before themselves the implication being that others are better than they. This leaves them feeling inferior and allows resentment to build. This belief is so ingrained that even if others are their equals or self-perceived as “inferiors”, they must continue pretending otherwise. This grates deeply, opening the door to “accidental/on purpose” nice words and actions.

Someone with good manners on the other hand has been taught or learned that they are neither better than nor less than other people. No indeed, manners are a tool and are used as such. When practiced manners allow us to both give and receive in our relationships. Having good manners is about respecting oneself. If someone with good manners is being treated poorly it is likely they begin to politely avoid being around the person causing offense, rather than suffer in silence. Manners allow authentic responses, controlled yes, but authentic nonetheless. Authentic people aren’t doormats. No such safeguard is given to those taught to be nice.

A lot of people with good manners get stuck in the same category as “nice” people. This is a real shame because they are completely different. Being “nice” is a lazy way through life, while developing good manners is a lot of work.

Related Posts:
Nice People Are Overrated
Are You a Good Person?

Are nice people really nice? What exactly does being a “nice” person mean? Is it really a compliment to be described as nice? I don’t think so. I believe nice people are over-rated. Character traits associated with being “nice”, such as consideration, respect of others, politeness and compassion, are in fact, often missing in people attributed as “nice”. By describing a person as “nice” we are allowing them a socially acceptable, and seldom challenged, mask to hide behind.

In my experience, a person is most often referred to as “nice” when they have no outstandingly good or bad traits and you don’t know how else to describe them. They aren’t the people who disagree with ideas at a meeting, talk too loud or even question the motives of others, because those aren’t very “nice” things to do. Nice people tend instead to be very concerned with all of the other people around them. They are not offensive; they smile a lot and tend to agree in conversation with what is being said. Unfortunately you rarely know where you stand with a nice person because while it is impolite to disagree with you in person they will often repeat the story and their opinions to others for advice, sympathy, a means to propagate their “niceness”, or a way tell you something to avoid hurting your feelings.

Being “nice” allows people to be excused for behaviors that wouldn’t be tolerated from “not nice” or mean people. Nice people seem to feel certain they know what other people want and/or need and will attempt to meet those needs whether invited to or not. It can be very hard to pinpoint a nice person on any behavior (or lack thereof) you are uncomfortable with because by voicing a concern that upsets a nice person you are described as “mean” or “rude” for hurting their feelings.

There are people who seem to wear “nice” as a mask. “Nice” people tend to fall into one of three categories; victims, bullies or victimizers. For example many Midwestern girls are taught to be “nice” to everyone they meet. This early training puts them in danger of becoming an easy target once they venture out into the “big, bad world” and encounter people who aren’t very concerned with being nice back. On the flip side, one can’t count the number of times someone convicted of some horrible crime, such as child molestation or being a serial killer, is repeatedly described in shock by their neighbors as being a “nice” person. Much more common than either the victim or the victimizer is the nice “bully”. This is the person who pushes an agenda under the pretense of being nice and looking out for others best interests. This person may be the passive aggressive friend or co-worker who continually tells you the awful things others are saying about you because they are “just trying to be nice”. If you question the nice bully about their motives they tend to be very hurt or highly offended at how mean you are being - which is quite a powerful tool!

Even though I feel that being nice is at best over-rated and at worst dangerous I am left questioning why is being “nice” so valued in our culture. I wonder if it is tied to our understanding, or perhaps misunderstanding, of manners. Possibly being nice is a substitute for having good manners…

“If your goodness has no edge to it, it is nothing.”
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Related Posts:
You Don’t Need Manners to Be Nice
Are You a Good Person?