Jenny and Erin

Why do we sabotage ourselves? Why do we act in ways to keep ourselves from achieving our goals, while actively working to reach the very same goal? Is this because we have huge blind spots when it comes to getting what we want? Or maybe it is something else. Could it be an unconscious belief we do not deserve what we desire, or even an underlying fear of success?

If asked a year ago if I was guilty of self sabotage I would have answered with a resounding, “No!” However, I am realizing we all have something in us that does not want us to succeed. This appears as questions regarding our worth, fear of the unknown or an overall self doubt. It appears as that awful voice in your head, slowly listing our faults and reminding us exactly why success is impossible. Most of us try to muffle the voice or ignore it all together. Although we may be able to quite this voice, it hides elsewhere, in our actions. On a conscious level we are typically unaware of these actions, but they are present and act as self sabotaging mechanisms to keep us from reaching our goals. Sounds silly, doesn’t it?

I first noticed my own tendencies to do this when Jenny and I began walking long distances. Before our first long walk we agreed it was essential we both get new shoes. When the big trail day arrived I had not bought new shoes, nor had Jenny. Walking in my old warn out shoes slowed my pace and made my feet ache unnecessarily. On another trail both Jenny and I decided we did not feel like carrying extra water, despite the heat. By the time we finished the trail I was feeling light-headed and out of energy. The culmination of these things built a rather daunting road block, offering many compelling reasons to quit.

Thankfully, I did not quit. You see, walking 10 hours in a day gave me plenty of time to look at these ridiculous behaviors. I identified them as more than poor planning or stupidity. I realized they were failed attempts to self sabotage my success. Identifying this has made it easier to thwart other attempts to sabotage the walks.

After admitting I am guilty of self sabotage I began looking more closely at myself and the people around me. Sadly, I found self sabotaging efforts everywhere. People want close relationships, but then never make time for those people. People want to get into shape, but find excuses not to exercise. People want a promotion at work, but spend their days around the water cooler complaining about their job, company and boss.

Do you behave like this anywhere in your own life? Is it out of fear? Or is it so when you fail (which you believe you are going to) you can say you knew it was impossible the whole time? Or maybe you believe if you never fully commit to a goal and permit self sabotaging behavior you are not as disappointed when you do not reach it. Any of these attitudes can destroy your success. You need to deal with these fears, questions and doubts head-on, or you may sabotage yourself without even knowing it. Yes, this is hard and painful, but your other option ensures you will not get what you want either. If you are determined enough to walk the path to your goals, you may as well make success as likely as possible.

If, as proposed in the post Picking Sides: Spirituality or Science, the role of spirituality is to help enhance our life experience, then one of the primary tools is the myth. Myths can help us understand our emotions, our place in the world, good and evil or why we matter at all.

Although mythology is an essential element of spirituality, it is often poorly understood. This is especially true of those of a strict scientific or religious mindset. This misunderstanding is a shame as myths have played a critical role in cultures throughout time. In fact, many myths are so common around the world and through time that they are considered universal, although there may be slight variations based upon the time and culture in which they are told. At the most basic level myths serve as stories about humanities deepest and most re-occurring concerns, such as love, birth, evil and death.

Myths are not:

Myths are:

Myths guide us as we look for our purpose in life, instruct us how to overcome our weaknesses or hone our strengths, understand emotions such as love, anger and jealousy and teach us how to respond to the world and its people. Ultimately a myth’s function is to help individuals and society achieve revelations about both themselves as individuals and humanity as a whole through experiences and questions typically unavailable to us in our daily lives. They move our daily struggles into a new, often magical context and help illuminate just what we are capable of being and doing.

Although most of us are familiar with myths, such as those found in the Judeo-Christian tradition or amongst native people’s around the world, myths also abound in popular culture. Some examples of myths that have captured the imagination of large numbers of people in recent years include the Left Behind series, the Matrix movies or the Harry Potter series. All of these examples are deep in their insight about human nature, have several layers of interpretation and leave the viewer/reader with more questions than answers.

Why do people lie? And when they do lie, why do they often tell such stupid, easy to catch lies? Do they want to get caught? Do liars eventually start believing their own mis-truths? Is lying the same as stretching the truth? I’m not talking about psychopaths here. I’m talking about ordinary people, lovers, family, friends, neighbors and co-workers.

I used to think people lied exclusively to get what they wanted, but I am no longer so sure. Rather, I wonder if lying is an attempt to bridge who a person is with who they wish they were. This would explain why many lies are so seemingly random, unnecessary and easy to disprove. For instance, a former co-worker of mine would regularly lie about what she did over the weekend. It was very strange being in a series of meetings with her and hearing the same weekend repeated with a string of different stories, with the same events highly embellished a multitude of ways. It was so trivial, but when she would get “caught” no one could quite figure out what to say. Do you “call” someone on such lies or would you consider this just stretching the truth? Does it matter as it has so little direct impact?

Does this difference between what is real and what one wishes to be real also explain why people lie to one another (and themselves) in all types of relationships? By saying “I love you” when you aren’t sure are you hoping that the act of saying the words will shape reality? Is promising to meet an unreasonable deadline at work when you aren’t sure you can do so just easier? Wouldn’t it ultimately be easier in both instances to either say the truth of the situation or to just not speak until you are sure what you want to say? Yes, there is the fear of saying things that will disappoint, anger or even hurt people around you, but ultimately this is far more considerate and loving then allowing your actions to speak the truth because your words do not.

I also don’t understand why people ask questions knowing that the very act of asking the question is going to back someone in a corner. Most people don’t respond particularly well when backed into a corner and some will feel pressured to and in fact respond with a lie. The younger they are, the more dependent they are upon the person asking the question or the more disappointed in their own behavior they are, the higher the likelihood they’ll feel compelled to lie. If you have a teenager for instance, why in the world would you ask “have you been drinking tonight” when they come in the door? Why not just watch them and see how they behave or give them a hug when they walk in the door and see how they smell? There are usually other ways to determine whether or not someone is telling you the truth that allow both of you to avoid adding unnecessary complexity to the situation by asking a direct question that begs dishonesty.

Perhaps you should examine if your questions have become just a game, asking them in such a way so as to encourage both of you to lie? Begging someone to reassure you for the fifth time that they really have changed is just such as example. You can believe that you have asked and gotten the truth, regardless of whether or not you have. Likewise, they can believe they are lying for your own good. If so, are they lying to you or are you responsible for lying to yourself? Do you routinely “punish” people when they do answer you with the truth? If so you might want to consider their long-term motivation for interacting with you in honesty.

The biggest problem with lying is that lies tend to snowball. If you tell one lie often you end up having to tell a zillion other small (or not so small) lies to maintain the first one and usually to more people than you would have expected. Lying ends up being a lot of work and can be quite damaging to both yourself and the people around you. The biggest danger I see is ending up in a fairytale life where you and others believe your words and just “pretend” your actions, relationships and life have any semblance to the words you speak.

Why is there so much societal opposition to changes in our natural environment? Since change is an inevitable part of evolution, wouldn’t the species and/or societies quickest to adapt be the most likely to not only survive but also thrive? I don’t understand the desire to preserve the past, rather than focusing on the present and what the future may hold. I am also confused as to the seemingly random decisions as to what constitutes a native landscape.

Let’s take invasive species for example. Invasive species are plants and animals that are not native to a particular landscape. Typically they are introduced by humans through accident or intention. Some of them stay where they are introduced, for example a tomato plant, while others take over rapidly and are labeled invasive. In North America examples include Buckthorn, Garlic Mustard and Honeybees. Once an invasive species “escapes” they dominate landscapes to the point that other plants and animals often struggle to thrive.

Common thought argues that these invasive species need to be controlled and removed. While I understand the argument that invasive species are changing landscapes, I question whether they are harming natural environments.

Invasive species create monocultures. However, eventually other plants and animals learn to adapt and compete. This allows new species to be created and new balances to be established. By fighting this evolutionary shift humans are hindering the environment from finding equilibrium. This may in fact be opening the door for even more invasive species to move in. Change is a natural process.

One of the beautiful things about the environment is that it is always changing and never quite attains perfect balance. It self corrects continuously. By trying to hold nature in an artificial unmoving state is it possible that more harm is being done than good and humans will be fighting to maintain this arbitrary balance forever? Why is there such a focus on trying to contain natural process? The environment will rebalance and life will thrive, it always has. That’s an amazing thing. I guess the real question being asked is will humankind?

Why do people yearn so desperately to be in a relationship? After watching my friends repeatedly have their hearts broken I have a hard time understanding their desire to immediately try again. Should this determination to find love be applauded? Is the reward worth all of the pain and effort? Why are they willing to sacrifice their happiness and sense of self every few months for the latest love in their lives? Why are they seemingly so scared to stop looking – even if only for a moment?

Many people cite this tireless drive for a relationship as the promise of safety and protection from the world. However, under scrutiny this promise doesn’t hold true. Safety isn’t guaranteed because you’re in a relationship. In fact, relationships may do just the opposite. People in relationships can still be cruel to one another, especially when they know your soft spots. People leave each other all of the time, whether they’re in fairly casual relationships or even married (need I mention the high divorce rates). And at the very least, you are subject to one another’s quirks, which can sometimes be quite unpredictable.

Others seem to want to be in a relationship to affirm their own value and be sociably acceptable. They believe they will be invited to more dinner parties, have better friends and that people will assume they aren’t so bad, because after all, they do have someone who loves them. Such people typically do not choose their equal. Rather, they find people they can control or people who are much more together than they are, in hopes of making themselves look better. Either scenario quickly creates undesirable relationships. Before they know it, they are back at the search. This happens so quickly I wonder whether the search really has anything to do with finding love.

The quick and easy answer to why people are so driven to find a mate and procreate is biology. Granted this plays a part, but seriously this explanation just seems a little too simplistic. We override many of our biological tendencies daily, so why not this one too?

Perhaps the answer to understanding this almost addictive search is to pause and regain control of the search. Ask yourself which of your needs you hope your partner will fill. Evaluate each item. Can you meet any for yourself? I bet with a little work you are perfectly capable of filling many of the needs on your list. You can provide safety and protection for yourself. You can find companionship through building stronger friendships. You can achieve financial security through changing your priorities. You can pamper yourself, admire yourself, dress nice and look good for yourself.

If you were honest, you should be left with a very short list. This is the list of things that truly matter in a partner. So before you head into the dating world, do the things you can for yourself. And when you are ready, you may find a marvelous mate, rather than someone to just fill your holes. Perhaps this is someone you would not have even noticed before you started to love yourself.

Steven Covey writes in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People that “Our character, basically, is a composite of our habits”. He goes on to note how incredibly powerful our personal habits are “…because they are consistent, often unconscious patterns, they constantly, daily, express our character and produce our effectiveness…or ineffectiveness”.

Consider how much of your day is shaped, and dare I say ruled, by habits. Keep in mind not all habits are negative – they extend well past addictions, swearing and nail biting. They may include your morning routine or the route you walk on your lunch break. Think about your habits. How much unrealized power do habits have over you? Are we really living each day, or merely going through a catalogue of habits?

Most habits were developed in childhood or through necessity, and as such often go unacknowledged, such as going to work, brushing your teeth, or paying bills on time. These habits perform critical roles in your life; they keep you on time, help your day function smoothly, and establish expectations.

Many habits go unchallenged, despite their ineffectiveness when it comes to making you happy. In fact, they may actually be undermining your goals and perpetuating false beliefs. Take for example the spouse who just “phones it in” every night with their partner. They ask about the other’s day and answer the obligatory questions, all the while failing to truly communicate. This habit may have been formed through laziness, and continues unquestioned as it appears unimportant on the surface; however not really listening to your mate has the potential to cause pain further down the line.

Is it possible to live without habits, and if so, can living without them be a more meaningful way to live? Imagine if every step was with purpose, if each thought was intentional, and every action meaningful. How would this change you day? Most people immediately respond that it would take more time. However, I argue otherwise. I think if we took out all the habits from our day we would become more time conscious, productive and meaningful.

Take for example the average office worker’s interaction with their administrative staff. From my experience, most individuals walk past their desk in the morning, utter a pleasant good morning, make small talk about the weather, and then move on. What if you broke out of this habit and become more conscious of this interaction? The words may be the same, but the meaning would be subtly different. Soon the conversations may morph into something more meaningful and at a pace you wouldn’t have guessed. Or maybe they would stop all together because as you start to talk to this individual you realize it will never move pass the pleasantries, and therefore is no longer worth the time.

What other habits do you have? Let’s look at the habit of waking up at 5 am every day. Is this truly a habit or a deeper understanding of the rewards that come with rising at this time? I would argue the later, as if the rewards were taken away, there is little incentive for rising at this time. Sure, if you decided to stop getting up this early, your body clock may rebel for a few days, but this is nothing that a few late nights can’t change.

In becoming a better person, I believed that it meant developing new habits. However, I think that it is deeper than this. I believe it involves understanding actions and thoughts at a deeper level to motivate one to perform each task consciously. If we are able to out of living a life through habits life will become more free and meaningful.

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“Habit rules the unreflecting herd”
~William Wordsworth