Jenny and Erin

What would your life be like if you woke up tomorrow morning and your biggest dream had become a reality? Does it matter to you how it materialized or whether or not you had to work for it? Do you think you would be much happier or ultimately find fairly quickly that your life is basically the same (or even worse) than before obtaining what you most desire?

I started thinking about this question several years ago after realizing the things I thought would bring me great happiness, gratitude and joy were not actually primary contributors. In fact, they were not even in the top 10 list. I found this out quite by accident. See, I love keeping notes on things and experiences in my life; first impressions of people, what animals I’ve seen while walking and so forth. So for fun one year I decided to track three things or experiences every day that brought me happiness, gratitude or joy.

Seriously, I was convinced my happiness was tied to “things”, people (such as my boyfriend at the time) or even money. This was not the case. Over the course of a year money was a source of happiness, gratitude or joy exactly 11 times, out of a possible 1,095, and even my boyfriend did not make regular appearances. What surprised me was that experiences were what showed up consistently - watching the sunrise as I ran in the morning, reading an interesting book, listening to a great song, a stop at the bakery for freshly baked bread with butter - you get the picture.

I began wondering what else I thought I wanted that realistically I might find I do not. I thought about this quite a bit, particularly in regards to my goals and dreams, while also considering the potential consequences if I received what I desired. What if I was given my most coveted dream only to find I was not ready to handle it? I started questioning whether the time and effort put into achieving a goal is essential to enjoying it, not because of the pride felt upon earning it, but because the experiences inherent in building one’s dream act as filters to determine whether you are ready to possess it or even really want it.

One example that stands out in my mind of getting without earning is people who win the lottery. On the surface they have just been given a huge gift. Unfortunately, money does not fundamentally change you or your life, it just magnifies what is already there. If you have bad relationships, money will not change that. If you are a drug addict or alcoholic, money just speeds up the process. If you can not manage the money you already have, just imagine what will happen if you suddenly had millions. If you are a solid person with good relationships the money probably would be a blessing, but if you aren’t, click here to see what it looks like.

What would happen if instead of pipe dreams you took the time to create “real” dreams. Dreams based on the experiences or things, which bring you joy, which you are passionate about or that would truly improve your life. What if when creating your dreams you spent time considering how your life would look once your dream is realized, as well as how it would look day-to-day along the way? Would a careful examination of your dream change what you are dreaming about? How would it change you? Have you done this or do you plan to? If so, I’d love to hear more.

Related Posts:
You Will Self-Destruct in 5…4…3…
Understanding the Daunting Goals
The Importance of Awareness and Acceptance

How can two people, of equally good intent, see or experience the exact same thing, and yet come to completely different conclusions about it? Is it possible to bridge this gap in perception to find truth? If so, how?

People perceive the same experience differently because we operate under the influence of a mental map. A mental map is the way we view the world, comprised of a lifetimes worth of experiences, perceptions, interpretations and understandings. This map leads us to make many assumptions about the world, correct and incorrect. Unfortunately our mental maps often collide with reality or the “way things are” as well as other people’s own unique set of perceptions about “what’ right” or the “way it should be”.

We are so deeply identified with our own mental map that it is easy to assume that our view of what’s right and what’s wrong is the truth. We seldom question these assumptions, mostly because we are unaware of their existence. However, in actuality our mental maps influence all that we say, think and even do. The funny thing is, it is rare to meet a person who does not believe the exact opposite - that they, and they alone, are actually able to see the world objectively. When others disagree, they assume there is something wrong with the other person’s thinking, not their own.

These underlying, often unconscious assumptions are quite problematic when trying to communicate with one another. Particularly when faced with a situation in which we find ourselves at odds with someone over two different interpretations of the exact same experience or event. What does one do when this happens? Typically debates ensue, in which who is right and who is wrong is heatedly argued. Rarely does either party stop and question their own accuracy or interpretation. Their search for answers becomes nothing but a fool’s quest, no true answers will be found in this manner.

What can they do to overcome these differences of belief? The first step, and I believe the hardest, is to assume an attitude of open inquiry and a willingness to question one’s own beliefs. The second, and of nearly equal importance, is to agree to a calm and respectful conversation to examine the topic with an assumption of good will on behalf of the other party. It is through a slow examination of specific details that some common ground can be found in the form of facts agreed upon by both parties.

One would assume that the identification of one or more facts regarding the event would lead to an agreement on behalf of both parties as to what is real. Ah, not necessarily. The conscious and unconscious beliefs comprising our view of the world are powerful. Each of us already experience the world differently, so it is not a stretch to imagine that these two people could also see the facts differently. Facts alone aren’t enough.

Really, the only solution I can come up with, the only way to truth is to grow in the awareness of our own mental maps. We must work with these maps to accept responsibility for them, examine them, test them, to see just how far they will stretch. We must be willing to open ourselves up completely to the words and views of others and to any objective facts available to us. Only through a willingness to examine and compare both the known facts of an experience and our deeply held beliefs about them can we seek the truth and have the ability to bridge others perceptions. For after I can see mine, I can see yours. Once I have found the way to understand myself I can give you a hand in the quest to find yourself.

PS. This post is for Jason who touched a nerve in a comment, eloquently stood his ground and started me to thinking…

It’s easy to find instructions on how to live a successful life. Take a peek in any bookstore or surf the web for a few minutes. You will find all types of advice. However, directions on how to live a miserable, failure-ridden life are much harder to come by.

Here are five sure fire, proven methods to launch you down the path to a crappy and unpleasant life. Let’s just keep these tips between you and me though, I do not want a stampede here on our site.

1. Have unrealistic expectations.

This is easy. Take your biggest, worst, most insurmountable problem and commit to fixing it within 7 days. Once you realize it is impossible to fix in 7 days, make a plan to beat it in 30 days instead. Excellent thinking, your failure is nearly guaranteed since virtually no big problem or huge success is realized in 7 days, 30 days or any other completely random number.

2. Believe you need to have high self-esteem to succeed.

Really and truly believe the commonly accepted fact that success is only possible for people with high self-esteem. If you are one of the many people unfortunate enough to suffer from low self-esteem you might as well give up. Heck, I’m surprised you haven’t already! Shhhh, nobody would believe that one gets high self-esteem by doing things they were not sure they could.

3. Do not know exactly what you want.

Want a job? Okay, then go to interviews wearing jeans, chewing gum and without a resume. When asked, tell the person hiring you that “anything” is fine, because you weren’t even sure what the position is, you just heard they had openings. Want a girlfriend? Well, just start asking random women out until someone says yes. Make it clear that it is really not them you are interested in, you would have taken anyone. Make sure they understand you are just biding time until someone hotter comes along. Trust me this will work! It’s hard to be happy or successful in work, love or even life if when asked what you’d like your response is inevitably “anything is okay”. It is an excellent way to ensure you have no direction.

4. Expect others to feel sorry for you.

Want to fail? Want to have a crappy life without any true friends? I’ve got the answer! Find people and talk to them until they feel sorry for you. Make sure they understand how hard your life is, how unfairly you have been treated and how none of it is your fault. Remember to always pepper these statements with how much easier their life is. Oh! Don’t forget to call them every time something bad happens (such as the milk in your refrigerator expiring) and update them. This is sure to win you friends and influence people.

5. Be an expert, very meticulous planner.

Planning is important. All self-help books say so. If you decide to set a goal (which I strongly discourage), rigidily plan exactly how you will get there and be very unwilling to make concessions. If you want to lose weight, decide exactly what you are going to eat every day for the next month and detail how much weight you are going to lose each and every day. When you are unsuccessful at sticking exactly to your plan, make it more rigid and meticulous. This is guaranteed to work. Yep, your life will quickly become miserable and given enough time you will fail. Go team!

Well, what are you waiting for? You have the tools, now get to it! Make me proud. Please feel free to add to the list, as this kind of knowledge is haaaard to find…

One of the reasons Erin and I were keen on starting a blog was to meet interesting people. Another was to think and learn about new things, to examine alternative ways of viewing the world and find others who wanted to do the same. Well, we’ve succeeded beyond our wildest dreams and my absolute favorite new friend is a very kind and thoughtful soul named Mark Lapierre. Mark is interesting, intelligent and really, really funny! If you are a regular reader you have no doubt seen him referred to before and most certainly will again. Mark gamely agreed to guest post for us. To see more of Mark and find out just why we think he is so darn intriguing visit his site at www.thewindingpath.net.

Oh, and he’s Australian so his spelling isn’t wrong, it’s just, ummm, well different…
~Jenny

There are two often heard tenets of personal development which are central to the philosophies of more than one well known self-help icon. One is “The Power of Now” which is not surprisingly the name of a book written by Eckhart Tolle. It’s also referred to as “Present Moment Awareness” which is also the title of a book, this time by Shannon Duncan. In simple terms it proposes a focus on life as it is lived, and an end to thoughts which distract us from the current moment. An end to regrets about the past and worries about the future. It’s a powerful concept because there is nothing that can be done to change the past, and worrying about the future invariably makes it worse.

While the concept is most often linked to Tolle it has its roots in most spiritual or religious teachings, and some non-religious philosophies, which Tolle himself acknowledges.

Now there’s one part of this concept which bothered me when I first encountered it. It’s that we need to think about the past or the future sometimes. Without considering the past we’ll make the same mistakes over and over. And without thinking of the future we’d be unable to make any decision, since decisions always require consideration of what might happen. These thoughts of past and present are fine, they’re helpful. The unhelpful ones are the ones which distract us from what’s truly important, which may be learning from our mistakes (or maybe even planning new ones).

Acceptance

The second tenet is that of ending our resistance to the reality of the present moment. It refers to an acceptance of whatever we encounter, without the many negative, judgmental, derisive thoughts that occur when we find something we don’t like. At first you might think this means trying to feel good about what you find, even if it’s harmful. Thankfully no, what acceptance really means is acknowledging reality without applying any negative labels, and then doing something about it if a) you can, and b) you truly need to. Often you’ll find that if you stopping thinking negative thoughts about something, you’ll see that it’s really not all that bad.

Buddhism ties these concepts together quite effectively in the 7th and 8th steps of the Noble Eightfold Path. The Path itself forms part of the teachings which aim to lead to an end of suffering. The 7th and 8th steps are those of Right Mindfulness and Right Concentration. There is a lot more depth to these teachings and I wouldn’t do them justice by summarising them here, so if you want to learn more study this extract of one of the publications of the Buddhist Publication Society.

An example of lack of acceptance

I’m now going to do something which is a pet peeve of mine, and use an obvious example to illustrate my point, in the hope that despite being obvious, your familiarity with someone like Tom, the man in our example, will make this example relevant.

Tom grows up eating only bland meals and his parents are disdainful of anything other than those bland meals, calling those meals “proper” food, and anything else “foreign slops”. So when Tom’s long lost cousin from the city takes him to a fancy restaurant one day, he balks at eating strange, exotic meals, even though other people consider them delicious.

Tom could react in one of two obvious ways. He could complain, putting himself in a negative mindset, and upsetting both his cousin and the people working and eating in the restaurant. Or he could realise that he’s never tasted this food himself, and think that while the smells are unfamiliar, they’re really not as bad as his parents made them seem, so just maybe the same also applies to the flavour and overall worth of the food.

I’m sure all of you can think of situations in which your disdain was unjustified, or when your good frame of mind was ruined by regrets or worries.

Why do we think this way?

Our body’s systems, coordinated by our brain, work to maintain a healthy, balanced state throughout our body. This ability is called homeostasis. Since we’re largely creatures of habit it’s no surprise that the systems which govern our habits also have that homeostatic drive.

When we encounter something which we don’t expect, which we also perceive as undesirable, our brain signals us, usually through strong feelings in our body, to pay attention and to do something to ensure that balanced state is not disturbed.

Some self-help teachings say that we shouldn’t resist the present moment, that we should be accepting, as I said earlier in the article. What homeostasis tells us is that what we’re resisting is not the present moment, but the change we think something in the present moment will cause.

Less highly evolved creatures react to that call to action automatically, without the intervention of thought and decision. And the same can and does happen to us. Ever yell out angrily at someone who cuts you off in traffic? However, we also have the ability to consciously decide what action to take.

What you can do about it

What does this mean for Tom, and for us? Well, it means that when we find ourselves habitually distracted by regrets or worries, or when we find ourselves criticising or judging something negatively without truly considering our reaction, we have the choice to do otherwise. We have the ability to be aware of our thoughts and emotions, and we have the ability to change our reactions to them.

Easier said than done though, isn’t it? Our habits are often so ingrained that they seem completely beyond our control. Just ask anyone who’s tried to quit smoking.

It comes down to having enough conscious awareness to be able to make a choice, rather than reacting without consideration. You can improve your awareness by taking up any activities in which you have to concentrate on your body or your mind, or the two as a whole. Try yoga, or meditation, or martial arts (including Tai Chi and Qigung). And any chance you get, whenever you feel bad, think about why, and what it is that you’re resisting that makes you feel that way.

So tell me, are you fully focused on the present moment? What kinds of thoughts about the past or future (or present) bother you? What kinds of thoughts are helpful? What change are you resisting? What do you do to improve your awareness?

Related Posts:
(Jenny again. Here are links to two of my favorite recent posts of Mark’s.)
The Value of Meaningful Communication
Understand your emotions, find your passions, forget your goals.

It is intriging to hear how other people go about growth and learning; what they read, who they talk to and the things they experience. John at Technology for Living tagged us with a meme earlier this week. A meme is kind of like the “wave” done at sporting events or chain letters, except it’s electronic on blogs. A question is posed, answered and then sent on to others.

The “learning edge“ meme asks one to:
Write a post about your “learning edge” and what you’re into these days. Feel free to mention any books you’re reading, classes you’re taking, people you’re learning from or collaborating with, etc. Tell us about the gems you’re picking up, the fun you’re having, etc., especially if they’re shifting the way you look at what you do.

Funny enough, it was perfect timing for this meme to arrive. I have been in the midst of a steep learning curve and the “tests” have been coming fast and furious. By taking the time to reflect upon what I have been experiencing, reading and discussing with others I realized just how much I have learned. I am surprised to see how many of these learnings have transitioned from simply understanding a concept into having this understanding fundamentally change me.

Back in March of 2007 I made two rather whimsical decisions that I expected to be interesting, and perhaps a bit of an adventure, but not entirely transformative. First, my close friend Erin and I accepted a rather daunting dare to walk many, many miles of state trails. We agreed there was no way we would lose the dare. Second, Erin and I started this blog and committed to regularly posting through the remainder of the calendar year. Once these decisions were made there was no going back, especially because neither of us have the stomach for quitting.

These two commitments have turned out to be much different - and have had much more impact - than I could of ever anticipated. I have been challenged mentally, emotionally and physically. I never thought I would ever say something like this but the pain I have experienced, and continue to, is positive as I have learned to experience my life through different eyes.

Among the things I’ve learned:

• My limits are far greater than I imagined;
• Sometimes all success entails is a refusal to stop;
• A commitment honored is a sacred and completely transformative experience;
• Despite all my effort there are things that I just can’t control. All I can control is how I respond (this learning has had to come to me in many, many forms from reading Stephen Covey, writing posts on this very topic, being reminded of said posts by my father and so forth…);
• Change is hard and uncomfortable, and these feelings stick around for quite some time;
• I tend to give much more care and consideration to others then I do to myself. Meeting these challenges will be impossible if this does not change; and
• Finally, I am one very, very lucky person to be surrounded by such incredible people who have helped me in ways big and small! In particular I want to thank Erin for being such a truly wonderful and compassionate friend and co-conspirator in aspects of these adventures that will never, ever, ever be told…

Well, this is the state of my “learning edge”. Just for fun I wonder if Erin, Mark or Jason have anything to say because they’ve just been “tagged” with the learning edge meme…

Related Posts:
Becoming a Better Person Sucks
Learning to Fly, Reflections from Gateway State Trail
You Will Self Destruct in 5…4…3…

Are you doing everything “right” and still not reaching your goals? Have you set out strong, trying all of the recommended steps to achieve your goals - such as visioning your dreams, setting time lines and focusing your energies on exactly what you wish to happen - but have failed to have any significant change months later? Do you find the discomfort associated with change causes you to quit before you reach your goal?

Failure on the road to success is common. It is hard to change, even when the change is desired. So difficult in fact, that most of us are unable to do it. A few months ago I thought it was tied to motivation, unrealistic goals and perhaps resolve. However, science is beginning to offer some deeper answers, particularly at the intersection of psychology (the study of human behavior and the mind) and neuroscience (the study of the physical brain).

Erin and my friend Mark forwarded an interesting article that I would like to share with you. It explains why change is so difficult on a biological level and what appears to work if you truly want to make changes in your life. The article is called The Neuroscience of Leadership and you can read it in full by clicking here. Although the focus of the article is on organizational change (and well worth reading from this perspective particularly if you are in management), it is also quite applicable to personal change.

Based on solid scientific research, this article offers six conclusions on how to create change while respecting the physiology of the brain. Interestingly, some of these conclusions go against commonly accepted “realities” when it comes to goal setting and achievement. To summarize:

Rather than attempt to rewrite what has already been beautifully written, I strongly encourage you to take a couple of minutes and read the article for yourself. You will not be sorry!

Related Posts:
Understanding the Daunting Goals
Are You On Automatic Pilot?
Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits Category