Jenny and Erin

After doing some reading I have figured out what is going on in my head. Turns out I have all the symptoms of a…you are not going to believe this…all the symptoms of a, well, a cognitive bias. Oh boy. Do I need to see a doctor? I thought I was vaccinated! Am I contagious? How is it possible it is not a disease, especially with a name like that, but can still hurt me? How did I catch it? And the biggest question of all - how do I get rid of it?

My disbelief set in quickly. What? A cognitive bias? Oh, why can’t these darn people just write in normal language so that I can figure out what they are saying? They use huge, unpronounceable words and take 10 pages to say what I can in three sentences. Jeez, the way they explain things people might start jumping off bridges before they can understand what’s being said. Now I am not an expert, but they might want to consider you can’t fix people’s thinking if they’re not around anymore to have some fixing done.

Since cognitive biases are so common you might be afflicted too. So, I’ll share a bit more detail. The rough translation of the word cognitive is thinking and bias in this case means a tendency to think about things the wrong way. Yep, it is that simple. So it took them 30 pages to explain that a cognitive bias is when you think about certain things in a way that might seem right but is really wrong (well with some other five-syllable disclaimers thrown in, but trust me - more or less this is it).

From what I can gather I have a strain of cognitive bias called a planning fallacy. A planning fallacy, blah! Apparently this is not even a particularly interesting or unusual bias. It’s common and boring. I object! If there is something wrong with my head I want it to be spectacular, not just run of the mill. I want something special, maybe a Ludic fallacy or a Subadditivity effect. So my strain - the planning fallacy translated means my thinking about how long it would take to complete a plan seemed right but it was really wrong.

I have suffered from the symptoms for a long, long time; however, I never got an accurate diagnosis until now. I spent plenty of time feeling bad but could not quite put my finger on just what was wrong. Well, actually over the years more than a few people have pointed out there was a problem, they just did not know what to call it or have any real suggestions how to fix it. Instead they mostly got mad, sometimes really mad, and ordered me to straighten up, to be realistic, to take my head out of the clouds - well you get the picture.

I would get set to do something - could be just about anything - clean the house, start a work project, or head out on a walking adventure and create beautiful plans. I would spend hours generating these plans - detailed with timelines lovingly tied to every task. However, they were always at least slightly off. This might have been okay, but I believed in my plans so much that I would often pull them out and convince darn near anybody to sign on… It wasn’t that I was trying to fool people, it was just that I really believed in my planning. I believed it was right, but it was really wrong. Hmmm, this might explain a lot, yeah?

Okay, simple enough. Let’s fix me. Give me a shot, or a pill or something. Are you kidding? I’m supposed to be aware, double check my timelines and compare them to what actually happens, mostly just learn to negate my bias by paying lots of attention? What a lame prescription for getting better. I swear I heard about a couple of pills that work great. They come in red and blue. Maybe I should just take one. Ah, not sure the red or the blue? Blue or red? Can somebody help me out here… Hah! Just kidding, this is not a problem. Be aware, double-check and compare - nothing to it. I’ll be fixed in a day or two, no longer. What? An optimism bias? Oh, it’s time for you just to stop talking!

PS. This post is for my dear friend Erin who, while she just might suffer from many a cognitive bias, turns out planning fallacies aren’t one of them. I’m waving the white flag. My friend I solemnly concede you are in charge of all things planning in regards to walking as it turns out I’m sick, very sick indeed… I promise to be quiet and listen. Really and truly, I do. Promise that is.

A couple of weeks ago it was our pleasure to have Mark guest post on our site. Check out his blog, The Winding Path, to read my very own (and very first) guest post, The Science Behind Change: A Beginner’s Guide.

Mark’s blog is a fitting place for this particular post to land because, as he mentions, he provided much in the way of encouragement as I started down a new path of learning. I hope you enjoy the post as much as I did the learning process.

Does your body give you a signal when you have taken on too much? Does it have a little white flag it waves in surrender? Or a “tell” like they say in poker? Mine does. After one too many days of not enough sleep, not drinking enough water or taking life a little too seriously my little signal comes out – an annoying twitching eyelid. No one else can see my “eyelid seizures”, but boy, can I feel it. The sensation is something similar to a surreal merging of those “butterfly kisses“ people give you with their lashes and the tingle of a foot that has fallen asleep. It is very strange and unpleasant, although not painful or debilitating.

I first tried understanding it through science. It turns out no one really knows why this happens. Even the best doctors come up empty handed. Next I tried outwitting it, but learned this is a fools quest. Taking a 30 minute nap when I have not slept more than 6 hours in 3 days just does not cut it. Actually it makes my twitching eyelid even angrier and the twitching increases. The only measure that stops these spasms is being proactive or giving in to reality. I need to sleep, drink water, eat a few healthy meals and make peace with my life. There is no pride in any accomplishment or learning if my darn eyelid is slowly driving me insane so I can‘t enjoy it.

Why is it that the things that most impact our lives enter relatively unnoticed? The decisions that change the course of our lives are not typically the ones that keep us up at night. Rather, they are the decisions we make quickly and easily because they do not appear to matter. It’s the same with people. The people who impact us the most usually are not the people you would expect. Rather, they tend to enter your life quietly and without much fanfare. This is how Jenny came into mine.

The summer I met Jenny I was working on my graduate internship at her company. Early into the internship it became strikingly clear that I wasn’t going to be given much, if anything, to do. My summer was going to be spent chained to a desk in my office. To make matters worse, my office was not an actual office. It was a very poorly converted bathroom, complete with a flimsy accordion door, a cheap laminate floor and a toilet paper holder still mounted in the wall. Could it be much worse? As I sat day after day in the 4 x4 foot bathroom, staring at my reflection in the full length bathroom mirror, I dreamed of having something to do. It was about this time that Jenny entered my bathroom, er office, and invited me to hers.

As I walked into Jenny’s office I realized she did not spend her days in a bathroom. She had a palace. She had a picture window overlooking a courtyard, artwork hanging on the walls and room for a desk, a table and chairs, bookshelves and two closets without being in any way cramped. This was definitely not a bathroom. As I took all of this in I realized I wasn’t her only guest. Standing prominently in the corner was Jesus.

Yes, you read right, Jesus was standing in the corner of Jenny’s office. This wasn’t a picture, or a poor impersonator, but a gigantic marble statue. This Jesus looked at least 100 years old and stood taller than me with his arms outstretched, making his presence all the more imposing. I was all together unsure what to say about the statue and I did not want to offend Jenny, so I didn’t say anything. It felt similar to not talking about an elephant in the room – except it was Jesus. My eyes kept drifting back to the statue as Jenny explained the project without so much as a hint to why there was a life-sized statue of Jesus in the corner.

I continued returning to Jenny’s office, because honestly it was much more appealing than my bathroom. As time passed, I learned she was storing the statue in her office as a favor to her employer until they decided what to do with it. She didn’t want it shoved in a closet because she has a high regard for people, religions and sacred things. And typical of Jenny, once she made a decision she did not feel a need to explain herself. As we talked I realized she thought about things differently than I ever had, or more importantly, differently than anyone else I ever met had. And as a bonus she had a wicked sense of humor. What can I say, how many other people know someone who has literally given Jesus sanctuary?

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Who’s That Girl?

First impressions matter. Although we often deny it - good or bad they matter - in the short term. I love revisiting my first impressions of others and hearing theirs. So, when Erin brought up her first impressions of me when we were out walking the other day it reduced both of us to giggles so I thought it would be fun to share our first impressions of one another.

Jenny’s first impression of Erin

For years I have kept a notebook where I jot down my first impressions of people; coworkers, people I meet at parties and sometimes even store clerks. Sad, but true, Erin is one of the few people I know who does not have an entry in my first impressions notebook. You see, when I met her I was studiously trying to pretend she did not exist. Let me explain. It wasn’t Erin, per se, I was opposed to, it was the decision of my boss at the time to hire 4 full time summer interns. I was already overloaded with work, couldn’t figure out exactly how my boss planned to keep these interns busy, unconvinced that the fact that they were graduate students made a difference, and honestly wanted no part of the entire situation. After vocally expressing my concerns I had been relieved of supervising three of the four interns and Erin was one of the three.

I know I met and orientated Erin but I have absolutely no recollection of these first meetings. I will admit that my interest was piqued when she changed her start date because she was taking an impromptu rendezvous to Greece with a special guy. (I don’t envy people much, but I do envy travel, especially romantic travel!) However, I do not remember hearing details about her trip after she started, as I didn’t go out of my way to seek her out (wow, I sound like a jerk but it really was self-preservation on my part).

No, my first impression of Erin came nearly a month into her internship. I was walking past her “office” (due to space constrictions she was being housed in a refurbished bathroom, the toilet had been removed and a desk was installed, but it still had a mirror covering one entire wall and a toilet paper holder…nice) and on a whim decided to stop and say hi. When I walked in with my big hello there was Erin playing around on the Internet. She turned crimson (it is never very hard to tell what Erin is thinking) and quickly minimized the screen. In that moment I felt so sorry for her. She was stuck in a converted bathroom 40 hours a week with only her reflection staring back at her. I was also pretty positive she was being given nothing at all to do with her time. I couldn’t help myself, she looked so well, guilty…and started laughing. I soon came to find out she was very bright, quite witty, a chatterbox slowly dying of boredom and more than willing to work on whatever I could find.

Well, that’s it, my first impression of Erin. Take it for what it is worth.

Related Posts:
How I Found Jesus, My First Impressions of Jesus

When Erin and I started working together several years ago we received nothing but warnings about forming a formal business partnership. We were told horror stories about fights, dividing a business and clients up, unpaid bills and even pillaging of accounts. Thankfully this has not been our experience. While luck most certainly has played a part, so have a few other things.

Here are our top ten tips for creating and sustaining a successful business partnership:

1. Choose your business partner wisely. You will be spending a lot of time with one another, so you better like, and more importantly respect, them. Over time your partner’s good and not so good traits will rub off on you, whether you like it or not, so find someone worth emulating.

2. Start by creating an exit strategy. Yes, this is rather like a pre-nup and is just as uncomfortable discussing; however, it is essential to hammer out these details when optimism still rules. Decide how the business will be dismantled; what will happen to the assets, the projects, and the product. Write the plan down and notarize it.

3. Clearly identify roles and responsibilities. If you are anything like us you decided to enter a partnership for a reason, most likely the other person has something you don’t. Leverage these differences. Build your roles and respective responsibilities around each partner’s strengths, not egos.

4. Set aside at least ten percent of everything you make. Unforeseen opportunities and expenses will occur. Let your safety net make you money through investments, and when you deserve it the interest can pay for a nice dinner!

5. Talk about the boring stuff. This is too important to leave off the list. Writing a business plan - boring. Yearly, quarterly and project planning - boring. Meeting after a project’s completion to discuss how to improve efficiency – really, really boring. While not exciting or fun, all of these things are critical to success. Remember this time is only wasted if you don’t take good notes and have to repeat the conversations.

6. The spirit in which you treat one another matters. Approach your business partner with a positive spirit. This can be hard. It is easy to fall into the blame game when things go wrong, and trust me they will. Even when things are their fault set about fixing it in a gracious manner. If you don’t, they’ll remember when you mess up, and given enough time you will. Karma is funny that way.

7. If the other person is scared never show your fear. Someone has to remain calm. If things start going really, really bad (and if you are having any kind of success at all this is going to happen, success breeds its own problems) and your business partner is ready to throw in the towel don’t ever, ever show that you are feeling the same way. Even if you have to fake it. Step up with a pep talk, a kick in the pants, well whatever it takes to make it through.

8. Figure out what the other person wants to get out of the partnership and do your best to make sure that happens. I’m surprised at how many people overlook this essential. It is important to know what motivates your partner, don’t assume it’s what motivates you. Really listen and write down what you hear. If one of their primary motivations is a flexible schedule do what you can to ensure that is their reality. Check with each other periodically to see if motivations have shifted or just deepened.

9. Don’t be afraid of uncomfortable conversations. Schedule time to talk about money, talk about what is and isn’t working, and talk about when you or your partner dropped the ball. The more you talk about uncomfortable things the easier it gets. Little things can cause big problems. It is easier to trust one another when you are each being held accountable.

10. Be willing to let the other win. Only fight to win if the outcome really matters to you, otherwise defer to the person with the most reasonable argument and if that doesn’t work, flip a coin! Seriously…