The Secret of Successful Self-Development
Posted in Personal Development on October 10th, 2007 by JennySelf-development is just that - the process by which one goes about developing or growing oneself. It doesn’t matter where you are when you start the process, whether your life is in such ruins that you struggle to get out of bed or if you only have one little area in your life you want to improve. What matters is you have decided that you want to be, think and experience more from life. Once you have made this decision you have planted a powerful seed.
Luckily you live in a time when information about self improvement is abundant. Venture to a bookstore, get lost on the internet or sit yourself in front of the TV and you will find yourself bombarded with resources. And amazingly, they all seem to offer an easy answer, straight-forward solution or a simple step-by-step plan. Wow, you think, I can do this! It’s easy to get lost in the hype and begin believing that if you would have only known how accessible and simple personal growth could be you would have changed eons ago. So, off you go!
In the midst of absorbing and attempting to apply the hallowed steps to whatever it is you desire, you may discover what I have; many popular guides and gurus alike overlook the struggle involved in personal growth. Instead they offer simple, prescriptive, and “easy” advice - guaranteed success. Although this advice is not inaccurate, neither it is as straight-forward as it appears.
Musing over this apparent contradiction, memories of a childhood science experiment came to mind. One year in grade school every student in my class was given a seed and we all set out to grow them. Similar to many common self-development instructions, growing our seed into a plant was presented in a few simple steps:
1. Obtain a seed.
2. Put the seed into soil and cover it up.
3. Water the soil.
4. Give the seed adequate sunlight.
5. Re-water as necessary and wait.
Ta-da! In no time we were supposed to have a healthy and beautiful plant to take home and surprise our parents. Sounds easy, doesn’t it? Well, maybe just a little too easy. I deduced more of a good thing could only make my plant better. Thinking myself quite the problem solver I figured out a way to sneak into my classroom early from recess and give my plant an extra dose of water each day assuming more water equals faster growth. Not so.
When the plants started to sprout, mine did not. Imagine my despair. I thought I had done everything right, in fact, better than right. I was crushed and I wasn’t alone. Several of my classmates had done the opposite of me, and forgotten to water their plant several days, and so my teacher let us try again. This time - remembering my teachers warnings - I was cautious with the water, determined to have a plant to show my parents, rather than a container of dirt. After a couple weeks a plant I had. Oh, you have never seen someone happier.
It seems self development would be best approached in the same way. No matter how clear the instructions are or what anyone says, growth is not always easy and rarely follows the outlined steps smoothly. If an approach is not working for you, despite claims it has helped “millions”, it is okay. Based on the seed directions, how was I supposed to know the correct amount of water? Rather than thinking of advice as set in stone, regard it as guidelines to work from. Yes, the directions for growing a plant were accurate, but differ greatly depending upon what type of plant you are trying to grow.
Only through being open to adjustments, asking questions, observation and a bit of experimentation can you determine the exact needs of your plant. I imagine in order to grow through your struggles you might want to look at your growth the same way. Consider how either “over-watering” a relationship or forgetting to water it at all would likely kill it or at the very least stunt its growth. If that is hard for you to remember you might want to imagine my poor little flooded seed.
It’s okay if things get a little messy. Seeds are planted in the dirt after all. Be forgiving of yourself. How was I to know that over-watering would kill my plant? How could you know that it’s hard to build your self-esteem in the midst of a divorce? To find love while secretly believing that you are unlovable? That taking out all those loans would result in debt far into the future?
If you are anything like me, you grow by doing. When nothing seems to work try it again and again until it does. I don’t imagine it much matters if you are initially successful as long as you use what you learn along the way to improve your perspective for the next attempt by adjusting the generic steps to fit your life and your particular circumstances. Keep at it and something beautiful will eventually sprout and when you finally see it full-grown it will be amazing.
Related Posts:
The Science Behind Change
Challenging Our Mental Maps
The Importance of Awareness and Acceptance, by Mark Lapierre
Keeping Perspective When You’ve Bitten Off More Than You Can Chew
October 10th, 2007 at 7:49 am
Wonderful post, Jenny!
Growing remains a *natural* process, doesn’t it? Very good to remember, especially when things tend to become discouraging.
You can’t force a seed to grow: as much as there is do-ing involved, it also requires some be-ing as well … both for seeds and for lives! I am comforted being reminded of this. Thank you.
October 10th, 2007 at 8:36 am
Excellent point Pippa. It seems that regardless of whether you apply force or just let things unfold organically (while tending to them), the events happen at the same time. Tending is such a less stressful approach.
Jenny, I had something smart to say to you, but in between being so thankful we are no longer spam, I totally lost it. So, I guess I’ll just say nice post!
October 10th, 2007 at 8:49 am
Hey Pippa,
Yeah, the other part of “natural process” that hit me the other day is that all plants (and people) grow at different rates even when all other conditions are the same much less when the conditions are actually different. That’s good for me to remember
Erin,
I’m sure you will remember your very smart insight later today and enlighten me! 
It appears *you* are no longer spam… as of a few minutes ago I still am!
October 10th, 2007 at 12:14 pm
Very nice article… I try to mention at least somewhat regularly on my site that just because something is simple, that doesn’t mean that it’s easy. It’s actually quite simple to improve your life in almost any area, but few areas are actually easy, unless you’re low enough in that area that any improvement at all is noticeable.
October 10th, 2007 at 3:38 pm
On the whole a great post, but I do take issue with the part about development being hard, a struggle. I do a lot better if I just regard the whole process as an experiment. Life is an adventure. When I see areas of my life where I would like to make changes, I get curious and set it up as an experiment. It makes life magical again.
October 10th, 2007 at 4:00 pm
Hi Jenny,
Thanks for a very enjoyable article. I think you are very wise to caution people about expecting self development to easy - that is just asking for trouble further down the line when things don’t go as initially planned.
Also, It’s funny that your title includes “The Secret…” - I can almost imagine the people who purchased/ watched the Secret months ago who have given up on LOA after not receiving what they asked the universe for.
Peter
October 10th, 2007 at 4:09 pm
Jean… I tend to agree with you, but if you have one specific thing you are trying to improve, it can be hard, a struggle. Your overall improvement is probably ongoing and enjoyable, but if there’s one specific thing that you focus on, that’s of overriding importance, it can seem quite hard getting it to where you want it.
October 10th, 2007 at 4:53 pm
Jason…sometimes trying too hard just gets in the way. You have a more controlling approach to life than I do. I figure if something is hard, I need to listen to myself more instead of trying to force the issue. As I’ve mentioned before, I think of my subconscious as a friend rather than as a servant to be trained to do the bidding of the conscious mind. We don’t struggle, we work together as a team.
October 10th, 2007 at 5:14 pm
Jean, I am impressed. I find self development hard. When on a path I have to continually remind myself why I am going there and why the work is worth it - especially when falling back into my old patterns seems easier and more familiar. Possibly, the difference might come from the types of things one is trying to overcome.
Jenny, are you still spam? I am enjoying my spam-free lifestyle. The world is my oyster! Um, Jenny, I think you’ve forgotten just how smart I am. In fact, I have so many brilliant new ideas swimming in my head that I just don’t have time to retrace the old ones!
I find it interesting no one has contested the idea that self development can be a step-by-step process. I expected it to be something others may have a bone to pick with. Apparently not, Jenny, I guess your arguments are virtually flawless! (or at least we can pretend…)
October 10th, 2007 at 5:34 pm
Erin,
I got interested in self-development when I was 16 years old and cured myself of a dental phobia using self-hypnosis. That taught me I was never stuck…it may take a while, but with enough understanding, patience and unconditional love I could get there. Curing myself of an eating disorder took a lot longer. I got control of my weight using the usual goal-setting methods, but I was still thinking about food a lot. I wanted to be free. So relaxation, self-hypnosis and finding/developing interests that didn’t involve food…things I liked doing a lot more than eating…did the trick.
October 10th, 2007 at 6:04 pm
Hard to add much to such an excellent conversation, but here’s my two cents worth:
Forgive the Matrix quote, but it’s practically unavoidable:
“There is a difference between knowing the path, and walking the path”. You may know what it will take to make it happen. You may even know what it will be like down to the finest details. But that will be vastly different from the experience itself. Fun or not, struggle or not, nothing takes the place of actually experiencing the transformation you are undertaking.
Just as you say, people will read book after book, trying to get a mental picture of what they are trying to accomplish, but they will be stuck in analysis paralysis unless they actually reach out and take the risk associated with actually experiencing it.
Scary, to be sure. I am starting to think more and more that it is that fear which forms most of our inner resistance, but that’s off-topic.
When you get to it and allow yourself your mistakes, you have the experience of generating your change. When you experience completion, the difference will be as massive as reading about a sunset, and watching one before you.
October 10th, 2007 at 6:13 pm
I take small steps and expect to make mistakes. My latest post is entitled If You Can’t Pronounce It, Say It Loud!
October 10th, 2007 at 7:05 pm
Great post Jenny, I love your use of metaphor
I think you’re all right about the difficulty or ease of personal development. The difficulty level is not binary (either hard or easy), it lies somewhere on a continuum; its position determined by a huge number of factors, most of which we’re unaware of, but some of which may be powerful enough to overrule most or all other factors.
Jason’s latest post on motivation talks about that.
Erin, I don’t think what Jenny said about the step-by-step aspect of self development can be contested. She didn’t say that it definitely wasn’t a step-by-step process, but rather that the steps we’re often given are more likely to produce results if they’re treated as guidelines rather than concrete rules which must be followed precisely. I’ve got no argument with that
I was just about to make the point John did (lucky I checked for further posts!) but I’d take it further and say that once you reach a point where you understand yourself well enough, once you know how you’ll react in a variety of situations, you can use the experiences of other people as a more effective guide than purely trying things out yourself. Experience is King, but solid self-understanding and a wide range of knowledge make fantastic advisors.
October 10th, 2007 at 7:24 pm
I’m glad you comment on my site, too, Mark… your comments are ALWAYS well thought out and written clearly.
Erin, self-development is a path, a path that can generally be shared with others… but no one takes exactly the same steps down the same path.
PS - Haha! I’ve gotten other people to post links to my site for me now… that’s Jenny and Mark both! I must be doing something right.
October 10th, 2007 at 10:28 pm
I’ll second Mark’s ‘nice use of metaphor’ comment!
Have to remind myself that ‘it’s okay if things get a little messy’! Growth through considered action is so important - gotta snap out of that ‘analysis paralysis’ at some point, and get dirty!
October 11th, 2007 at 3:24 am
Plants are kindred spirits to us. They grow by reaching out towards sources of light and nutrients. Just like plants, human beings also grow on many different levels based on how they reach out to explore possible sources of wisdom. We determine which sources give us the most energy. Its only logical that we continue to exert ourselves in directions that uplift the spirit and the soul. Your plant analogy is a clever reminder of our interconnectedness with nature.
October 11th, 2007 at 7:58 am
Liara, I like you’re thinking. …and, plants are incredibly resilient. The seem so fragile sometimes, leaves that can be torn, stems that can be broken and flowers picked. However, despite huge storms, sweltering weather and bitter winters, they keep on coming back - and in many cased multiplying. Plants have defense mechanisms and offense mechanisms.
John, lovely quote. Well said.
Claire, yes the messy part is tough sometimes. When doing something difficult, to create a mess on top of it, can feel somewhat defeating.
October 11th, 2007 at 10:31 pm
Its worth noting to recognize which adjectives each of us use to describe anything from people to plants or even inanimate objects. To a degree, it is worth reflecting about our own relationships to these chosen words. Could we be making an indirect statement about ourselves and our feelings about things we aren’t acknowledging or desire to focus on much more?
October 14th, 2007 at 7:41 pm
Jenny -
Interesting post. I think that all too often we as a culture are looking for the easy fix. One that allows us to reach our goal with little to no effort. However, after reading your post I was reminded of the fact that it is not the completion but the journey that is where the reward lies. I think that if we can learn and adapt much like your plant we can find a great deal more joy in the process of personal development seeing ourselves not as a product to be finalized but a dynamic entity always striving for something more.
October 15th, 2007 at 4:35 pm
Jon, beautifully written. Thanks for the comment!
November 23rd, 2007 at 5:32 am
Self-growth is one step forward, one-step backward process that’s very messy. Thank-you for such a powerful metaphor. Success is very much a personal thing, there are no cookie-cutter formula’s that work for everyone all the time.
November 23rd, 2007 at 6:25 pm
Thanks for your thoughts Sadia.