Vintage Post: You Don’t Need Manners to be Nice
Posted in Miscellaneous on August 28th, 2007 by JennyThe follow-up to Nice People are Overrated…
Why is being “nice” so valued in our culture? Why do nice guys finish last while the bad boys get the good girls? A couple of weeks ago I argued that Nice People Are Overrated (click here to read that post) and ended up wondering if our fixation on being “nice” is tied to a misunderstanding of manners. I’ve come to the conclusion that having good manners doesn’t constitute being nice or vice versa.
Being nice is a very surface understanding of both manners and interpersonal relationships. In fact, the people we commonly refer to as “nice” usually don’t have very good manners. They appear concerned with others, but their own words and actions betray them for what they are – thoughtless. A nice person, however, believes even their thoughtless words should be counted as nice because they were “trying to be nice”. In the mind of “nice” the outcome (hurt feelings) shouldn’t have more weight than the intention (their “thoughtfulness” or consideration of the other person demonstrated by asking them a question), it is intentions that matter. And suggesting otherwise brands you as “mean”.
Some real-life examples of “nice” in action:
- The nice lady from down the street who asks the adoptive mother of two Asian girls, in front of the children, how much the children cost and comments on how sorry she feels for her that the mother is missing out on the joy of having her own real children.
- The nice guy at work who comments on how much better you look after losing some weight and quickly adds that you didn’t look bad before, you just look so great now.
I’ve seen nice people in these situations argue that they were “just curious” and didn’t intend to hurt anyone’s feelings. They end the conversation feeling the victimized party, not understanding how anyone could think they would have been intentionally mean. Good manners on the other hand imply thoughtfulness, thinking about the other person and their possible point of view before speaking. You can be mentally “checked out” and still be considered “nice”. This isn’t the case with manners.
The same real-life examples for someone with good manners:
- To the adoptive mother of two Asian girls, “Oh, what beautiful girls you have! How old are they and what are their names? You must be so proud.”
- To the co-worker who’s recently lost weight, “You are looking really nice today.”
Same situations but very different words and the people involved are left feeling very different. Let’s not be Pollyanna here, the person with good manners might be dying to ask how expensive it is to adopt from overseas and your best buddy male co-worker may suddenly seeing you as an attractive potential date for the first time. But consideration for the other party overrides the first words or questions that come to mind.
On the surface being nice and having good manners both focus on the “other”. So how can they be so different? Being nice is all about self-denial, thus breeding resentment. A “nice” person has been taught from childhood to put others before themselves the implication being that others are better than they. This leaves them feeling inferior and allows resentment to build. This belief is so ingrained that even if others are their equals or self-perceived as “inferiors”, they must continue pretending otherwise. This grates deeply, opening the door to “accidental/on purpose” nice words and actions.
Someone with good manners on the other hand has been taught or learned that they are neither better than nor less than other people. No indeed, manners are a tool and are used as such. When practiced manners allow us to both give and receive in our relationships. Having good manners is about respecting oneself. If someone with good manners is being treated poorly it is likely they begin to politely avoid being around the person causing offense, rather than suffer in silence. Manners allow authentic responses, controlled yes, but authentic nonetheless. Authentic people aren’t doormats. No such safeguard is given to those taught to be nice.
A lot of people with good manners get stuck in the same category as “nice” people. This is a real shame because they are completely different. Being “nice” is a lazy way through life, while developing good manners is a lot of work.
August 28th, 2007 at 11:08 am
I think I disagree with you on what nice is… your first example of “nice” to me is anything but nice. The second one IS nice, it’s just that the guy has his foot stuck in his mouth. He just didn’t think before he spoke… which is, really the difference between being nice and having good manners.
Good manners are active, you actually have to do things (like think before you speak) to have good manners… you don’t really have to do anything except mean well to be nice.
That’s my disagreement with your definition of “nice”… you say: “A “nice” person has been taught from childhood to put others before themselves the implication being that others are better than they.” I say: A nice person has to mean well, even if they bumble the execution. That’s why the “pushy nice person” from your previous article isn’t really nice, they’re annoying. And pushy.
August 28th, 2007 at 5:51 pm
A very interesting post, and some very good points. I would add a few things. I don’t differ as much as Jason does, but I do think that more clarification on “nice” would be good. I had a teacher once who said that the word “nice” should be removed from the language, simply because it can be taken too many different ways.
I think manners are important, and but don’t think that being a kind person (kind, not nice) is in conflict with that. I think that manners are sorely lacking in our society, now when it is more important than ever that people have them. As we are crammed together more and more, the simple act of holding a door open, or offering a seat to someone can have a profound effect.
As far as the “nice” person goes, here’s a quote from Robert Heinlein:
“Being generous is inborn; being altruistic is a learned perversity. No resemblance—”
Thanks again for such a stimulating article!
August 29th, 2007 at 6:34 am
Etiquette is conditioned. You choose to adopt what you believe to be right or appropriate. Each person is typically influenced by the world around them including, family, culture, society and any one of a number of things. Some people believe its part of a life journey to learn to step outside the sources of personal conditioning and find teh true meaning and impetus for our decisions. What about you?
August 29th, 2007 at 9:48 am
Etiquette has nothing to do with the meaning and impetus for our decisions. Etiquette (also known as manners) is a set of guidelines for interacting with other individuals from a shared group. That group could be as large as a nation or as small as your local chapter of some organization or other… different etiquette applies when your shared group is different, and the etiquette appropriate to your interaction with one person can change based on which shared group you are interacting through at the moment… one person can be in a shared group of “friends” and a shared group of “coworkers”, and that means which etiquette applies depends on whether you’re interacting as friends, or as coworkers.