The Importance of Awareness and Acceptance
Posted in Personal Development on July 23rd, 2007 by MarkOne of the reasons Erin and I were keen on starting a blog was to meet interesting people. Another was to think and learn about new things, to examine alternative ways of viewing the world and find others who wanted to do the same. Well, we’ve succeeded beyond our wildest dreams and my absolute favorite new friend is a very kind and thoughtful soul named Mark Lapierre. Mark is interesting, intelligent and really, really funny! If you are a regular reader you have no doubt seen him referred to before and most certainly will again. Mark gamely agreed to guest post for us. To see more of Mark and find out just why we think he is so darn intriguing visit his site at www.thewindingpath.net.
Oh, and he’s Australian so his spelling isn’t wrong, it’s just, ummm, well different…
~Jenny
There are two often heard tenets of personal development which are central to the philosophies of more than one well known self-help icon. One is “The Power of Now” which is not surprisingly the name of a book written by Eckhart Tolle. It’s also referred to as “Present Moment Awareness” which is also the title of a book, this time by Shannon Duncan. In simple terms it proposes a focus on life as it is lived, and an end to thoughts which distract us from the current moment. An end to regrets about the past and worries about the future. It’s a powerful concept because there is nothing that can be done to change the past, and worrying about the future invariably makes it worse.
While the concept is most often linked to Tolle it has its roots in most spiritual or religious teachings, and some non-religious philosophies, which Tolle himself acknowledges.
Now there’s one part of this concept which bothered me when I first encountered it. It’s that we need to think about the past or the future sometimes. Without considering the past we’ll make the same mistakes over and over. And without thinking of the future we’d be unable to make any decision, since decisions always require consideration of what might happen. These thoughts of past and present are fine, they’re helpful. The unhelpful ones are the ones which distract us from what’s truly important, which may be learning from our mistakes (or maybe even planning new ones).
Acceptance
The second tenet is that of ending our resistance to the reality of the present moment. It refers to an acceptance of whatever we encounter, without the many negative, judgmental, derisive thoughts that occur when we find something we don’t like. At first you might think this means trying to feel good about what you find, even if it’s harmful. Thankfully no, what acceptance really means is acknowledging reality without applying any negative labels, and then doing something about it if a) you can, and b) you truly need to. Often you’ll find that if you stopping thinking negative thoughts about something, you’ll see that it’s really not all that bad.
Buddhism ties these concepts together quite effectively in the 7th and 8th steps of the Noble Eightfold Path. The Path itself forms part of the teachings which aim to lead to an end of suffering. The 7th and 8th steps are those of Right Mindfulness and Right Concentration. There is a lot more depth to these teachings and I wouldn’t do them justice by summarising them here, so if you want to learn more study this extract of one of the publications of the Buddhist Publication Society.
An example of lack of acceptance
I’m now going to do something which is a pet peeve of mine, and use an obvious example to illustrate my point, in the hope that despite being obvious, your familiarity with someone like Tom, the man in our example, will make this example relevant.
Tom grows up eating only bland meals and his parents are disdainful of anything other than those bland meals, calling those meals “proper” food, and anything else “foreign slops”. So when Tom’s long lost cousin from the city takes him to a fancy restaurant one day, he balks at eating strange, exotic meals, even though other people consider them delicious.
Tom could react in one of two obvious ways. He could complain, putting himself in a negative mindset, and upsetting both his cousin and the people working and eating in the restaurant. Or he could realise that he’s never tasted this food himself, and think that while the smells are unfamiliar, they’re really not as bad as his parents made them seem, so just maybe the same also applies to the flavour and overall worth of the food.
I’m sure all of you can think of situations in which your disdain was unjustified, or when your good frame of mind was ruined by regrets or worries.
Why do we think this way?
Our body’s systems, coordinated by our brain, work to maintain a healthy, balanced state throughout our body. This ability is called homeostasis. Since we’re largely creatures of habit it’s no surprise that the systems which govern our habits also have that homeostatic drive.
When we encounter something which we don’t expect, which we also perceive as undesirable, our brain signals us, usually through strong feelings in our body, to pay attention and to do something to ensure that balanced state is not disturbed.
Some self-help teachings say that we shouldn’t resist the present moment, that we should be accepting, as I said earlier in the article. What homeostasis tells us is that what we’re resisting is not the present moment, but the change we think something in the present moment will cause.
Less highly evolved creatures react to that call to action automatically, without the intervention of thought and decision. And the same can and does happen to us. Ever yell out angrily at someone who cuts you off in traffic? However, we also have the ability to consciously decide what action to take.
What you can do about it
What does this mean for Tom, and for us? Well, it means that when we find ourselves habitually distracted by regrets or worries, or when we find ourselves criticising or judging something negatively without truly considering our reaction, we have the choice to do otherwise. We have the ability to be aware of our thoughts and emotions, and we have the ability to change our reactions to them.
Easier said than done though, isn’t it? Our habits are often so ingrained that they seem completely beyond our control. Just ask anyone who’s tried to quit smoking.
It comes down to having enough conscious awareness to be able to make a choice, rather than reacting without consideration. You can improve your awareness by taking up any activities in which you have to concentrate on your body or your mind, or the two as a whole. Try yoga, or meditation, or martial arts (including Tai Chi and Qigung). And any chance you get, whenever you feel bad, think about why, and what it is that you’re resisting that makes you feel that way.
So tell me, are you fully focused on the present moment? What kinds of thoughts about the past or future (or present) bother you? What kinds of thoughts are helpful? What change are you resisting? What do you do to improve your awareness?
Related Posts:
(Jenny again. Here are links to two of my favorite recent posts of Mark’s.)
The Value of Meaningful Communication
Understand your emotions, find your passions, forget your goals.
July 23rd, 2007 at 12:07 pm
Resisting those distracting thoughts isn’t the way to defeat them, though… you can’t try to fight them off, they’ll just keep pushing into your consciousness. The only way to get past them is to let them come and drift right back out… don’t focus on them, but don’t try to block them out, either, or you’ll find they are there on the edge of your mind, distracting you constantly, and taking far more mental energy to avoid than to simply acknowledge and let go.
The same thing goes for resisting change… it takes a certain amount of energy invested to make the change, but the penalties of not making the change can often end up draining far more energy than that initial investment.
July 23rd, 2007 at 4:36 pm
Very interesting thoughts and comments! Super job - I look forward to reading more!!
July 23rd, 2007 at 4:47 pm
It’s really helpful to understand the process (es) that go into dealing with or defeating negative thoughts. People can go through proven mental activity to deal with the thoughts.
The same for change. Understanding the process of change is invaluable to completing the whole process of change.
July 23rd, 2007 at 6:23 pm
Jason: I agree. You probably know, but the practice of mindful meditation includes that acknowledgment and letting go of stray thoughts. And it’s something that we can benefit from practicing throughout the day, not just while meditating.
Nancy: Thanks, I’m glad you liked it
Dennis: Someone once defined love as understanding (in part). If that’s true, it’s no wonder understanding is so helpful in creating positive change and positive thoughts.
Thanks for your comments everyone
July 23rd, 2007 at 6:43 pm
Hey Mark,
Great article! While I was reading it occurred to me that you touched upon something that confused me for a very long time. The point of being in the present isn’t to have no awareness of anything but the moment but instead to have one’s awareness in the sum total of the moment as it occurs.
I don’t think this is possible to be fully present in the moment without giving thought to both the past and the future. I agree that it is distracting and unproductive to follow those thoughts whenever they occur but think in addition to ackowledging the thoughts it is important to spend some time examing the past (and when doing so to be fully present in that process) as well as thinking about the future.
If the hard work of self-examination never takes place those random thoughts just keep popping up no matter how little attention you pay as acknowledging (and I’d argue understanding) them is essential to being fully present in any moment.
Hi Nancy and Dennis! Haven’t heard from you in awhile. Nice to see you are still around!
July 23rd, 2007 at 8:14 pm
Mark - Great post! You pose some difficult questions. I have been grappling with the same thing Jenny mentioned - awareness is about sum of the moment, not only the moment. For example, when I talk to a friend that did me wrong, I don’t simply focus on our conversation in the moment, but it is appropriate to keep in mind our history too. Not as a grudge, just as an awareness.
July 23rd, 2007 at 9:02 pm
[…] over to Jenny and Erin’s site to see a guest post I’m honoured to have been asked to do. If it weren’t for my pure, pervasive masculinity […]
July 23rd, 2007 at 9:18 pm
Jenny: Yup, that’s why I mentioned it, I’ve heard that question asked a lot, “How can you be fully in the moment and still live in this world?” The idea of completely ignoring all thoughts of past and future seems like the path *towards* suffering.
Erin: That’s right, if you think of the issue between the two of you in the past, you can make sure you don’t repeat it in the present. If you don’t acknowledge that thought you’re likely to make things worse.
Thanks again to both of you for inviting me to do this guest post. I look forward to having you as guests in my part of the world
July 24th, 2007 at 7:33 am
It’s truly our pleasure Mark! You’ll be seeing us soon.
July 24th, 2007 at 7:07 pm
This guest post is fabulous. It draws my attention to people I know and have known who lean toward the negative in everything. Now, my instinct used to be to distance myself from such people because, well, it can be disconcerting to listen to complaining all the time. Spending less time with certain friends was possible but distancing yourself from negative and the relatives of close friends can be harder.
Then, at one point, I-got-to thinking, maybe I’ve attracted such people into my life. I realized they had never perhaps learned how to embrace Eckhart Tolle’s idea of ‘the moment,’ how to love and be loved, how to express compassion, and how to see differently than they always had. Rather than avoid such people, I reflected about how being myself was a way to reveal another perspective. Although its not possible to change other people unless they choose to change, I’ve been repeatedly surprised at how sharing love and positive thinking can rub off and enrich others.
July 25th, 2007 at 11:04 am
Erin - having that understanding that the person did something to you in the past as part of your total understanding of who that person is can be useful, but if you actually consciously think of it every time you’re with the person, you’re doing both that person and yourself a disservice. Thinking about something invests energy into that thing, which gives it importance to you, which makes it a bigger part of your life. So if you invest energy into thinking about what they did to you in the past, then you’re making that thing they did a bigger part of your life, and even more so making it a bigger part of your relationship with them and your understanding of who they are.
July 26th, 2007 at 7:53 am
Ouch Jason, that hurt. Which means there is truth to what you said.
Once one gets into a pattern of returning to the past in a relationship, it is hard to get out of it (maybe I have carved too deep of a path in my brain) So, the million dollar question is - how do you keep from dwelling on what happened in the past and feeding it more energy?
July 26th, 2007 at 11:36 am
Internal quiet - force yourself to take a few minutes just after you get up and get ready in the morning, and a few minutes after you get ready for bed (but before you get IN bed), and sit somewhere by yourself to let whatever thoughts come into your head come and go. All those things that lurk in the background will come out (sometimes it will take several sessions to get to the really deep ugly ones), and when they come out, the pain associated with them will go away, allowing you to heal. Once you heal, then you can forgive, and like I said above, just keep it as a part of your understanding of who they are, without spending energy on thinking about it and how it hurt you.
Hope that helps… if you want more you can go to my site and check out things under the “Internal Quiet” category.
July 26th, 2007 at 7:37 pm
Thanks Jason.