Big Fat Liar
Posted in Things I Don't Understand on June 15th, 2007 by JennyWhy do people lie? And when they do lie, why do they often tell such stupid, easy to catch lies? Do they want to get caught? Do liars eventually start believing their own mis-truths? Is lying the same as stretching the truth? I’m not talking about psychopaths here. I’m talking about ordinary people, lovers, family, friends, neighbors and co-workers.
I used to think people lied exclusively to get what they wanted, but I am no longer so sure. Rather, I wonder if lying is an attempt to bridge who a person is with who they wish they were. This would explain why many lies are so seemingly random, unnecessary and easy to disprove. For instance, a former co-worker of mine would regularly lie about what she did over the weekend. It was very strange being in a series of meetings with her and hearing the same weekend repeated with a string of different stories, with the same events highly embellished a multitude of ways. It was so trivial, but when she would get “caught” no one could quite figure out what to say. Do you “call” someone on such lies or would you consider this just stretching the truth? Does it matter as it has so little direct impact?
Does this difference between what is real and what one wishes to be real also explain why people lie to one another (and themselves) in all types of relationships? By saying “I love you” when you aren’t sure are you hoping that the act of saying the words will shape reality? Is promising to meet an unreasonable deadline at work when you aren’t sure you can do so just easier? Wouldn’t it ultimately be easier in both instances to either say the truth of the situation or to just not speak until you are sure what you want to say? Yes, there is the fear of saying things that will disappoint, anger or even hurt people around you, but ultimately this is far more considerate and loving then allowing your actions to speak the truth because your words do not.
I also don’t understand why people ask questions knowing that the very act of asking the question is going to back someone in a corner. Most people don’t respond particularly well when backed into a corner and some will feel pressured to and in fact respond with a lie. The younger they are, the more dependent they are upon the person asking the question or the more disappointed in their own behavior they are, the higher the likelihood they’ll feel compelled to lie. If you have a teenager for instance, why in the world would you ask “have you been drinking tonight” when they come in the door? Why not just watch them and see how they behave or give them a hug when they walk in the door and see how they smell? There are usually other ways to determine whether or not someone is telling you the truth that allow both of you to avoid adding unnecessary complexity to the situation by asking a direct question that begs dishonesty.
Perhaps you should examine if your questions have become just a game, asking them in such a way so as to encourage both of you to lie? Begging someone to reassure you for the fifth time that they really have changed is just such as example. You can believe that you have asked and gotten the truth, regardless of whether or not you have. Likewise, they can believe they are lying for your own good. If so, are they lying to you or are you responsible for lying to yourself? Do you routinely “punish” people when they do answer you with the truth? If so you might want to consider their long-term motivation for interacting with you in honesty.
The biggest problem with lying is that lies tend to snowball. If you tell one lie often you end up having to tell a zillion other small (or not so small) lies to maintain the first one and usually to more people than you would have expected. Lying ends up being a lot of work and can be quite damaging to both yourself and the people around you. The biggest danger I see is ending up in a fairytale life where you and others believe your words and just “pretend” your actions, relationships and life have any semblance to the words you speak.
