Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places
Posted in Things I Don't Understand on May 25th, 2007 by Erin DietrichWhy do people yearn so desperately to be in a relationship? After watching my friends repeatedly have their hearts broken I have a hard time understanding their desire to immediately try again. Should this determination to find love be applauded? Is the reward worth all of the pain and effort? Why are they willing to sacrifice their happiness and sense of self every few months for the latest love in their lives? Why are they seemingly so scared to stop looking – even if only for a moment?
Many people cite this tireless drive for a relationship as the promise of safety and protection from the world. However, under scrutiny this promise doesn’t hold true. Safety isn’t guaranteed because you’re in a relationship. In fact, relationships may do just the opposite. People in relationships can still be cruel to one another, especially when they know your soft spots. People leave each other all of the time, whether they’re in fairly casual relationships or even married (need I mention the high divorce rates). And at the very least, you are subject to one another’s quirks, which can sometimes be quite unpredictable.
Others seem to want to be in a relationship to affirm their own value and be sociably acceptable. They believe they will be invited to more dinner parties, have better friends and that people will assume they aren’t so bad, because after all, they do have someone who loves them. Such people typically do not choose their equal. Rather, they find people they can control or people who are much more together than they are, in hopes of making themselves look better. Either scenario quickly creates undesirable relationships. Before they know it, they are back at the search. This happens so quickly I wonder whether the search really has anything to do with finding love.
The quick and easy answer to why people are so driven to find a mate and procreate is biology. Granted this plays a part, but seriously this explanation just seems a little too simplistic. We override many of our biological tendencies daily, so why not this one too?
Perhaps the answer to understanding this almost addictive search is to pause and regain control of the search. Ask yourself which of your needs you hope your partner will fill. Evaluate each item. Can you meet any for yourself? I bet with a little work you are perfectly capable of filling many of the needs on your list. You can provide safety and protection for yourself. You can find companionship through building stronger friendships. You can achieve financial security through changing your priorities. You can pamper yourself, admire yourself, dress nice and look good for yourself.
If you were honest, you should be left with a very short list. This is the list of things that truly matter in a partner. So before you head into the dating world, do the things you can for yourself. And when you are ready, you may find a marvelous mate, rather than someone to just fill your holes. Perhaps this is someone you would not have even noticed before you started to love yourself.
May 25th, 2007 at 8:15 am
Really interesting post E.
Ugghh, the most uncomfortable people to be around ever are the ones who are in relationships where they think they are better than their partner and feel the need to “parent” them constantly while making snotty comments behind their backs. Who wants to be “mommied” or “daddied” by someone who you are attracted to? Even more, who wants to watch people they care about being treated that way… So not a turn on and major recipe for disaster!
I’d wager that a person could know they are ready for a solid relationship when they are picking people who after a couple of weeks of dating they are still attracted to but don’t feel slightly less than or better than when they are together. A good indictor to see how you really feel would be to watch your language/word choice when describing them to others…
May 25th, 2007 at 11:25 pm
Ha, I agree. But some men really want to be ‘mommied.’ Go figure.
May 26th, 2007 at 10:26 am
Do people that really enjoy being ‘mommied’? Can you have an equal partnership when one is taking care of the other? It creates such a funny dichotomy.
May 27th, 2007 at 3:14 am
Intimacy (meaning all aspects of intimacy, not just sex)
That’s what’s left on my list. Everything else I can provide myself, or receive willingly and regularly from friends. Of course some close friends also provide some intimacy, but it doesn’t even approach the level of intimacy experienced in a ‘romantic’ relationship.
Though to be honest companionship would also stay on the list. Mainly because most of my friends are not single, so their partner has to be consulted when wanting to hang out. That’ll sometimes mean they’re unavailable when I need companionship.
I’m not so sure anyone wants to be ‘mommied’ or ‘daddied’. I suspect the men and women who appear as if they want that are just intrinsically needy, and so in a relationship they unconsciously act clingy, constantly fawning over their partner in the hope that their need for intimacy will be met, not understanding that that is what drives their partner away.
May 27th, 2007 at 1:05 pm
I don’t know Erin, I don’t mind being taken care of in a relationship. I think that is one of the nice parts of having someone in your life. Knowing that someone cares enough to make your life a bit easier and nicer is a good thing. We might be using the same words with absolutely different definitions though, I’m referring to thoughtful things such as getting the oil/tires changed on my vehicle not paying all of my bills or picking up after me…
Yeah, Mark you and I came to similar conclusions on intimacy. I could go either way on the companionship piece though - nice for the first couple of months but (especially if living together/married) I like my alone and friend time.
May 27th, 2007 at 6:28 pm
For sure Jenny, I’ve never been in one of those couples who never seem to spend any time apart. The companionship I’d like is the comfortable, reliable kind that I know will be there when I need it (which may also mean that, on occasion, I may need that companionship but she’s not available. That’s ok, as long as I know she will be there for me next time).
So I wouldn’t want companionship with a girlfriend at the expense of time with friends or alone time.
If I were in one of those couples who follow each other around at parties, not mingling with others unless their partner is standing by their side… Well, I’d hope one of my friends would slap me…
May 27th, 2007 at 8:17 pm
Can one be slapped over the Internet? I’ll keep my eye on you!
I’m quite good with tough love…
May 27th, 2007 at 8:27 pm
Mark, take my advice, Jenny is VERY good at tough love.
I’m torn about the companionship piece - I feel like through cultivating solid enough relationships we can still have it. I think it’s harder to establish with friendships, because unlike romantic relationships where by definition it’s typically expected, that’s not necessarily the case with friendships.
May 29th, 2007 at 8:21 am
Mark you said, “For sure Jenny, I’ve never been in one of those couples who never seem to spend any time apart. The companionship I’d like is the comfortable, reliable kind that I know will be there when I need it (which may also mean that, on occasion, I may need that companionship but she’s not available. That’s ok, as long as I know she will be there for me next time).”
We’re pretty much on the same page again but I didn’t want Erin to think I was putting you up to saying such things so didn’t reply seriously right away. That sounds a bit paranoid but remember the dancing analogy you made which earned me an early morning phone call? Erin, that is still on my top ten list of funniest moments.
May 29th, 2007 at 7:01 pm
Jenny, you can’t fault me for thinking it was you. Honestly, it wouldn’t have been hard to pull off, a second email account, linking to someone’s blog named Mark…and I’m sure you would have come up with a few other sly things to do as well. You’re never going to let me live that one down, are you?
May 30th, 2007 at 5:28 pm
Whatever, LOL.