Jenny and Erin

Why is being “nice” so valued in our culture? Why do nice guys finish last while the bad boys get the good girls? A couple of weeks ago I argued that Nice People Are Overrated (click here to read that post) and ended up wondering if our fixation on being “nice” is tied to a misunderstanding of manners. I’ve come to the conclusion that having good manners doesn’t constitute being nice or vice versa.

Being nice is a very surface understanding of both manners and interpersonal relationships. In fact, the people we commonly refer to as “nice” usually don’t have very good manners. They appear concerned with others, but their own words and actions betray them for what they are – thoughtless. A nice person, however, believes even their thoughtless words should be counted as nice because they were “trying to be nice”. In the mind of “nice” the outcome (hurt feelings) shouldn’t have more weight than the intention (their “thoughtfulness” or consideration of the other person demonstrated by asking them a question), it is intentions that matter. And suggesting otherwise brands you as “mean”.

Some real-life examples of “nice” in action:

• The nice lady from down the street who asks the adoptive mother of two Asian girls, in front of the children, how much the children cost and comments on how sorry she feels for her that the mother is missing out on the joy of having her own real children.
• The nice guy at work who comments on how much better you look after losing some weight and quickly adds that you didn’t look bad before, you just look so great now.

I’ve seen nice people in these situations argue that they were “just curious” and didn’t intend to hurt anyone’s feelings. They end the conversation feeling the victimized party, not understanding how anyone could think they would have been intentionally mean. Good manners on the other hand imply thoughtfulness, thinking about the other person and their possible point of view before speaking. You can be mentally “checked out” and still be considered “nice”. This isn’t the case with manners.

The same real-life examples for someone with good manners:

• To the adoptive mother of two Asian girls, “Oh, what beautiful girls you have! How old are they and what are their names? You must be so proud.”
• To the co-worker who’s recently lost weight, “You are looking really nice today.”

Same situations but very different words and the people involved are left feeling very different. Let’s not be Pollyanna here, the person with good manners might be dying to ask how expensive it is to adopt from overseas and your best buddy male co-worker may suddenly seeing you as an attractive potential date for the first time. But consideration for the other party overrides the first words or questions that come to mind.

On the surface being nice and having good manners both focus on the “other”. So how can they be so different? Being nice is all about self-denial, thus breeding resentment. A “nice” person has been taught from childhood to put others before themselves the implication being that others are better than they. This leaves them feeling inferior and allows resentment to build. This belief is so ingrained that even if others are their equals or self-perceived as “inferiors”, they must continue pretending otherwise. This grates deeply, opening the door to “accidental/on purpose” nice words and actions.

Someone with good manners on the other hand has been taught or learned that they are neither better than nor less than other people. No indeed, manners are a tool and are used as such. When practiced manners allow us to both give and receive in our relationships. Having good manners is about respecting oneself. If someone with good manners is being treated poorly it is likely they begin to politely avoid being around the person causing offense, rather than suffer in silence. Manners allow authentic responses, controlled yes, but authentic nonetheless. Authentic people aren’t doormats. No such safeguard is given to those taught to be nice.

A lot of people with good manners get stuck in the same category as “nice” people. This is a real shame because they are completely different. Being “nice” is a lazy way through life, while developing good manners is a lot of work.

Related Posts:
Nice People Are Overrated
Are You a Good Person?

This entry was posted in Values and Virtues on Friday, April 6th, 2007 by Jenny. You can follow responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.