Learning to Fly, Reflections from Gateway State Trail
Posted in Boots are Made for Walkin on April 30th, 2007 by JennyI had some paradigm changing realizations while walking Gateway State Trail. It’s funny to me how often I don’t really understand a learning until it is grounded to a physical reality. Although I spend a lot of my life “in my head” all of my biggest understandings can be tied to distinct physical events sealing them forever in my mind.
First Section, 8.7 miles – April 1, 2007:
Erin and I were about 7 miles into walking the first section of the Gateway Trail and it was absolutely beautiful, the early sprinkles of rain and dark clouds were gone, no one else was out, there was a light breeze and the sounds and smells of being free. I mentioned to Erin how great it will be to have completed all of the trails; I pointed to a building about 200 yards ahead and said, “Can you imagine when that is all that is left of the trail, won’t it be a great feeling?”
The words left my mouth and I realized when we’re walking that last 200 yards it will be a little sad, definitely anticlimactic. I thought about how stupid it is to save all of the joy of accomplishment for the last second of the journey or goal. Why wait until the day your biggest goal is met to enjoy it? So, if your goal is to make $1 million dollars by 30, are you unhappy with $750,000 at 29 because it’s not a million? Or do you just generally hate what you have to do to reach your goal? It was that instant that I realized if so, something is wrong, really wrong.
When it’s right it’s the doing part of a big goal that is exciting – the nervous questions about can whether or not I can succeed. The enthusiasm for the challenge, the excitement tied to small victories. The days and nights of being tired and worn out but still “walking the trail” refusing to stop because it is the right trail after all. I’ve never really understood this to my core before and I think it was because I was choosing goals that didn’t truly resonate with me, deep within me. I desperately wanted the outcome but the paths I was picking to get there were crappy to me, not to everyone, but to me. So, I’d “win” and make my goal but I didn’t feel changed, didn’t feel all that much better.
Thoughts that had been rustling deep in my mind came to the surface. What good is anything in life, even unbelievable success if deep down it is destroying you (only taking energy, not giving it)? In that moment I understood how sad it would be to walk all of the trails only concentrating on the last one, on how fast each one gets finished and feeling no sense of accomplishment as the pieces are slowly chipped away bringing me closer and closer. What good would completing the trails be if all I had to show for it was a new thing to boast about? And the saddest part is this is exactly how I have gone about meeting my goals for most of my adult life.
As the last couple of months of walking have passed and the first trail is ½ done I know that this “realization” got a little brighter each step, each day (even the preparation days!) it didn’t just appear on the trail. These days when I was preparing are also the goal, not just the bit stepping stones and certainly not the day and minute your goal is reached. The frustration, the doubt, the pain, being tired is okay. It’s just another part of growing better, stronger, learning to really and truly live.
This realization has not left me in the weeks since. In fact, it’s only grown stronger as I’ve become surer that it is essential to do what you love. Choose goals that are fun along the way and you will be okay.
Second Section, 9.3 miles – April 29, 2007:
When you’re walking there is a lot of time for thinking. Today this thinking time got multiplied, as this section of the trail was all uphill, no, not just parts of the second section of the Gateway Trail, all of it. I was feeling comfortable until I started trying to do a lot of talking. It was then I had to decide between a nice walk where I could breathe easily or a talkative walk in which I would struggle the entire way. I choose to be mostly silent and listen to Erin talk. She eventually started running out of things to say (for the same reason?) at about mile 7.
What did I think about today? Well, I now understand a couple of things – again from experiencing their reality, firsthand in a very physical way.
When you are first starting something you don’t know all of the questions you need to ask. You aren’t always aware of what is truly important and what isn’t (remember Circle of Concern from last weeks post?). You aren’t very good at prioritizing your concerns versus influences because you find the factors you thought mattered don’t nearly as much as another factor that didn’t even enter your mind and vice versa. For instance, we put a high priority on where we parked our cars and walking from the car closest to our return destination so that at the end we wouldn’t need to backtrack. Smart, we thought, less walking before the sun comes up and less driving when we’re tired. Only today, we should have looked a little deeper. Yes, it was less driving at the end of the trail, but we missed something more important and ended up walking the entire trail up a long, steady, hill. Although this uphill climb today wasn’t a disaster, when we’re walking 20 miles 3 days in a row these kinds of oversights will be the things that can make or break finishing a trail.
It was also clear there was no sense being mad at ourselves for not figuring this out before, heck we’ve never done it before, we’re learning as we go. We can’t be responsible for questions we didn’t even know to ask, we are responsible however for not asking after we know a question exists. It’s okay – that’s life – you learn by doing, not by making all the brilliant plans in the world. Plans are essential but will only take you so far because you don’t know what you don’t know.
June 5th, 2007 at 11:15 am
I think that all too often we lose sight of the proverbial trees for the forests and not the other way around. It seems that as a culture we are all to focused on the completion of the goal and very little concern goes to the path that will take us to that completion. I have recently gone through many experiences where I have finally realized the true importance of seeing the benefits and the learning experiences that the journey not the final destination affords us and I am excited to see you experiencing these same revelations, for it seems to me that once we wholly embrace this ideal that every day is not so much about accomplishing every goal we set but taking steps towards those goals and learning and growing along the way. Best of luck with all of your walks and journeys.