Jenny and Erin

Are nice people really nice? What exactly does being a “nice” person mean? Is it really a compliment to be described as nice? I don’t think so. I believe nice people are over-rated. Character traits associated with being “nice”, such as consideration, respect of others, politeness and compassion, are in fact, often missing in people attributed as “nice”. By describing a person as “nice” we are allowing them a socially acceptable, and seldom challenged, mask to hide behind.

In my experience, a person is most often referred to as “nice” when they have no outstandingly good or bad traits and you don’t know how else to describe them. They aren’t the people who disagree with ideas at a meeting, talk too loud or even question the motives of others, because those aren’t very “nice” things to do. Nice people tend instead to be very concerned with all of the other people around them. They are not offensive; they smile a lot and tend to agree in conversation with what is being said. Unfortunately you rarely know where you stand with a nice person because while it is impolite to disagree with you in person they will often repeat the story and their opinions to others for advice, sympathy, a means to propagate their “niceness”, or a way tell you something to avoid hurting your feelings.

Being “nice” allows people to be excused for behaviors that wouldn’t be tolerated from “not nice” or mean people. Nice people seem to feel certain they know what other people want and/or need and will attempt to meet those needs whether invited to or not. It can be very hard to pinpoint a nice person on any behavior (or lack thereof) you are uncomfortable with because by voicing a concern that upsets a nice person you are described as “mean” or “rude” for hurting their feelings.

There are people who seem to wear “nice” as a mask. “Nice” people tend to fall into one of three categories; victims, bullies or victimizers. For example many Midwestern girls are taught to be “nice” to everyone they meet. This early training puts them in danger of becoming an easy target once they venture out into the “big, bad world” and encounter people who aren’t very concerned with being nice back. On the flip side, one can’t count the number of times someone convicted of some horrible crime, such as child molestation or being a serial killer, is repeatedly described in shock by their neighbors as being a “nice” person. Much more common than either the victim or the victimizer is the nice “bully”. This is the person who pushes an agenda under the pretense of being nice and looking out for others best interests. This person may be the passive aggressive friend or co-worker who continually tells you the awful things others are saying about you because they are “just trying to be nice”. If you question the nice bully about their motives they tend to be very hurt or highly offended at how mean you are being - which is quite a powerful tool!

Even though I feel that being nice is at best over-rated and at worst dangerous I am left questioning why is being “nice” so valued in our culture. I wonder if it is tied to our understanding, or perhaps misunderstanding, of manners. Possibly being nice is a substitute for having good manners…

“If your goodness has no edge to it, it is nothing.”
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Related Posts:
You Don’t Need Manners to Be Nice
Are You a Good Person?

This entry was posted in Values and Virtues on Thursday, March 1st, 2007 by Jenny. You can follow responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.