Jenny and Erin

I want to be better, do better, maybe even be the best, but everything between this realization and becoming this mythical “better person” just sucks! Becoming better sounds great in theory, and I’m sure if I ever reach the end point of being a better person it will be great, but right now, not so much.

Let’s examine the process one undergoes to become better - better at anything – tennis, love, writing, etc. Life is humming along when a friend suggests playing a game of tennis. You’re a competitive person and so you say yes, even though you haven’t played since junior high. You assume that even if you don’t win, you’ll at the least hold your own. Unfortunately your friend whoops you. Due to your competitive nature, you feel pain, possibly in the form of embarrassment or screaming muscles, but no matter – the point is you feel it. It’s the feeling of pain from the chasm between who you are and what you want to be. This spurs you to want to be better.

A fuzzy kind of self-doubt and confusion moves in (often with a touch of that icky anger). When did I get so out of shape that I can’t play a single stupid game of tennis? How messed up am I that getting beat makes me feel like a loser all day? Your mind starts racing – Just how bad is this? Do other people feel this way? When did I lose “it”? Why aren’t I good enough for this to come naturally? How many other people know I’m a loser? And so on downwards in a deep spiral until you reach the worst questions of all – Why aren’t I good enough to have always been better? Why aren’t I good enough just as I am? It sounds kind of melodramatic when the subject is tennis, but imagine your feelings when it is an impending bankruptcy, an inability to have meaningful relationships or losing a promotion at work.

If you can find a way through the pain, confusion, self-doubt and overwhelming paralysis you eventually emerge. Guess where? The lovely land of pure drudgery! What a complete let-down – how is it possible to have dealt with all of these painful feelings and end up tired and uninspired with the work it takes to change? That’s because the next step on the path to becoming a better person is the slow repetition of the thoughts, actions and even words that make you better until they become first habits and then morph into part of your character. It’s easy to give up – the list of things you need to change becomes magnified in your mind and completely overwhelming. Unfortunately some people stop here and believe they are hopeless or that other people have what it takes to change but not you. Hell, you are who you are and if people like you they should take you as you are – warts and all. However, what you don’t realize is that becoming better sucks for EVERYONE.

Surprisingly, the worst part of becoming a better person is that it’s not so easy to quit! Even when you’ve tried to be better and failed, that vision of what is possible just doesn’t fade – it keeps you awake at night, biting at your heels. The possibility of who you could be haunts you when you see others achieving what you want and you know you could have if you didn’t quit.

And the circle starts again, the only way out is to just accept and deal with the plain, hard truth – becoming a better person sucks!

This entry was posted in Personal Development on Friday, March 9th, 2007 by Jenny. You can follow responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.