A “Starter” Life – Starter Marriages, Rings, Homes & Kids
Posted in Social Commentary on March 26th, 2007 by JennyWhat kind of life is it if everything is just a “starter”? Lately I’ve been hearing more and more about starters - starter marriages, starter rings, starter homes and even starter mansions. I don’t think it’s a stretch to point out that there also seems to be a rise in starter kids and starter families. When, and why, did everything become just a stepping-stone to bigger and better?
It is disturbing just how much time is spent thinking, planning, plotting and living for the next rung on the ladder. When did we start buying a house instead of a home, or better yet, when did we start buying an “investment” instead of a house? Two generations ago a mortgage made sense – you bought a house, married, raised children and retired all in the same house – you ended up owning something. It was yours. This has gone out of fashion and given way to buying a series of houses to match each change in your lifestyle and a mortgage that never goes away. It’s easy to eat up thirty years renting a life.
Wedding rings and first marriages have also attained starter status. It seems that somewhere along the line the meaning of the wedding ring was lost. Ideally, the emotions and hopes that go into giving and receiving the ring impart it with a sort of emotional “power”. I imagine it would sting to overhear the woman you love talking to her friends about how this is just a starter wedding ring. How about the day when she suggests you trade it in? Does this change your love for her just a little bit? Or is she just a starter to you too? Are you slowly looking for the newer, shinier, nicer version of her?
Starter kids, poor things, are common in our culture. What else would you call children of never married or divorced parents, kids who moms and dads marry and remarry, reproduce and start a new family with “their children”? Maybe it’s even worse for the kids who have one or more parent form instant families with a live in lover only to dissolve the whole relationship on a whim – pulling on and off the label of family as fast as you can say starter. There’s also the parent who sees a whole part of their life as a starter, shakes it off and begins again in fitting fashion – moving across country (too far for small children to fly alone) to a new job, eventually a new spouse, kids and life.
We are living in a culture where more is better, bigger is better and new almost immediately becomes old. We are teaching children a lifestyle of more and cringe at the ugly reflection we see. If all of the things in your life are just crappy starters – your home, your wedding ring, your marriage and maybe even your family how much love, nurturing and effort do you truly give them? Isn’t there something to be said for loving things in spite of their “defects”? Remember the old saying; home is where the heart is? Well it applies too much more than your address. Where is home (and your heart) in a starter life?
March 28th, 2007 at 6:44 pm
I hope this this is oozing with sarcasm: “What else would you call children of never married or divorced parents, kids who moms and dads marry and remarry, reproduce and start a new family with “their children”?” If not, I greatly resent this notion. True, some people feel this way, but I find it a stretch to label children in this fashion. What about adults who are truly just hoping to find a good partner, and among failed relationships, have only their children as a positive outcome? Having grown up in a family that includes step parents, half siblings, and various “lovers” of my parents, I have never felt like a “starter” child and always loved. Maybe we should blame society for promoting this idea that the nuclear family is the only healthy form a family can take. I think the real struggle a human goes through (yes, even the infallible parent) to find love and companionship is a lesson in itself for a growing child. The lesson is: no matter what personal trek the parent is on, the love for the child never waivers.
As for the rest of your thoughts on “starter lives”, I agree. Do we really need a training bra for every stage in life? Let’s just jump into the under wire of things and do it right the first time. I think we should always aim higher and move towards bigger and better, but let that not diminish the validity of the marriage vow, wedding ring, first house, and family. Take responsibility for things now and don’t pawn off it’s meaningless value on “starter” labels. If it’s not good enough to stand on it’s own, should you do it at all?
March 30th, 2007 at 7:28 am
Hey Emily,
Yes the sentence you pulled out is said with sarcasm as I also grew up with stepparents and 1/2 siblings and always felt loved and important. That being said I had friends who grew up being pushed aside as they parented their brothers & sisters while one or both parents moved on to a new life.
Lately I’ve seen references to, watched interviews about and even started seeing definitions for starter children and starter families popping up which is very horrifying to me.
From what you write and what I’ve experienced I think we were very lucky to have parents who did value us and made sure we felt it. I’m not convinced this is every child’s (or even the majority) experience.