Jenny and Erin

A friend of mine, Jason Ivers, asked me what I would tell my younger self if I had the opportunity. This was a great question, causing me to stop and think. Funny enough I realized that the present me could still use a talking to on a couple of these points, so here’s what I would say…

• Life is not meant to be hard. If it is that is a sure clue that you are doing something wrong or forcing yourself down a path you are not meant to travel - this applies to love, career and all else.
• Hard is very different than challenging, boring or even scary. It is important to properly identify what you are feeling so as to respond accordingly.
• No one alive expects nearly as much from you as you do. Lighten up and do what you love. Perfect doesn’t exist. Work for progress not perfection.
• Small things done consistently matter much more than the largest or grandest gesture. This especially holds true when it comes to money, relationships and goals.
• When you get confused about other’s intentions or feelings stop listening to what they say and instead watch what they do (hint: this also applies to yourself as well!).

Although I wish I’d known these (and other) things when I was much younger I’ve had a great time figuring them out! Both Erin and I would be interested in hearing what you would tell your younger self.

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What is truth? Can it change? If so, how can something that is not constant be true? Are words, emotions or promises lies if they felt true when spoken, yet in hindsight they may not have been? How, when confused and possibly even living a lie, can one recognize the truth and harder yet, tell the truth?

The faster or further you grow the more bumpy, exciting and rewarding the ride - and the quicker truths can change. Perhaps you find that the truth is shifting monthly, weekly or in spurts daily. Remember when you left home for the first time? Maybe it was to summer camp, a coveted vacation with a friend‘s family or for college. Think back to the excitement and edge of fear you felt in anticipation, the first few days or weeks when everything was great - absolutely wonderful - and then remember the moment when you realized that something just wasn’t right. Food wasn’t cooked right at summer camp, your friend’s family had a very different (and not “normal‘) way of communicating that often involved loud, excited voices, your new professors challenge your very foundations with new thoughts and knowledge. What you thought was foundational basic truths about how life was, wasn’t. Your view of the world began to shift often radically and in unexpected ways.

When this is happening what should you do? Do you tell your friend that their family sucks and you want to go home or your own family that you’d rather hear loud opinionated voices than silence when they are upset? Do you stop taking courses that made you feel stupid or challenged the beliefs you were taught since childhood or embrace them? How much truth should you tell and who do you tell it to? It’s easy to start to doubt such a thing as the truth even exists or that you can ever know the truth about anything, particularly about yourself.

Is it possible to follow many of the ideals of self development during a time of rapid personal growth? It is difficult to practice congruency if you are unsure about what the truth is and isn’t. It is even more difficult to be honest in your relationships when you are unsure of what is true or when it is rapidly or regularly changing. It can be particularly problematic to honor your word or commitments or continue on a path you’ve started down because you are concerned that it will appear dishonest to others to change course based on what you’ve previously said or believed.

Can one really hope for more than good intentions and openness in any relationship whether it be with yourself or another? Is expecting absolute and total honesty a trap to either fall into or to catch others with? Perhaps truth during a time of growth does not exist instead truth is something that is fluid and viewing it in any other manner is complete and utter folly. Is self-development at it’s core a struggle to find and maintain the truth of one’s life, beliefs, relationships, words and actions?

Questions like these are and should be fundamental to personal growth. Growth by its very nature entails change - change of boundaries, of scenery, of relationships, of beliefs and much more. As one grows their understanding of the world does as well and this new understanding brings new questions and honestly further uncertainty. That’s okay, uncertainty is good. It means you’re learning and growing…

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I got a cat three weeks ago. Watching him adjust to his new surroundings and figure out the power dynamics of my home and my daily habits has been quite a learning experience. In fact, crazy as it may sound, I have found myself pondering how his experiences translate to the human experience.

King Teddy, yes this really is my cat’s name, is an interesting and curious fellow. This morning King Teddy snuggled up beside me as I worked on a post. I find close editing difficult to do on a computer screen and most often opt for the pen and paper approach. As I turned on the printer, fiddled with the toner and loaded the paper King Teddy watched me with passive curiosity. He raised an eyebrow, but barely lifted his head, figuring it was not of interest.

However, once I hit the print button everything changed. King Teddy’s ears perked up, whiskers started twitching and he was on his feet immediately. As the paper began shooting out of the printer he quickly made his way over to see what was going on. King Teddy didn’t bat the printer or paper, he didn’t try to stop the process, rather he observed attentively and obviously full of curiosity. Once the last page printed I removed the paper, keeping an amused eye on King Teddy all the while.

With the paper gone and only the quiet hum of my computer left it was time for King Teddy to start investigating. He peered into the paper tray, sniffed where he saw the paper exit and watched my actions for clues on how to relate to this new item. After all was quiet for a couple of minutes, King Teddy must have felt safe again as he made his way back over to his still warm resting spot, curled up and went back to relaxing.

His reactions intrigued me and I began thinking how similar they are to how we all relate to new things in our lives. Things that may have been there all along, but never drew our attention. Things outside of our usual expectations, or maybe different than what we thought their purpose or intent were. This may be a job, a friendship or even a way of viewing the world. It seems a great deal could be learned by watching how you react when one of these situations pops up.

King Teddy showed me a few different approaches that I recognized. First, fear. We can run and hide until it is over, until all has returned to normal, or maybe until we can just convince ourselves that it is back to normal - pretend nothing ever happened. Second, we can investigate. With alertness and curiosity making us bold. Or third, act aggressively. King Teddy could have chosen to attack the printer to “show it who is boss“ in the attempt to prove his place in the household power dynamics. Although hiding or aggression may come quickly, possibly naturally, neither truly allows us to understand the new and figure out how to work with or around it only a detached curiosity provides this.

Yes, King Teddy may only be a cat, but he is one smart cat, and watching him has provided me with a couple of light bulb moments. What more could want from the prince, er, King in their life?

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If you have been paying attention, it is no secret that Erin and I went missing for a few weeks. Vanished. Poof. The real mystery behind our sudden disappearance is just what it was that happened to us:

• Erin got hair extensions and botox and has been mistaken as Britney Spears. Thus, she has been VERY busy with the paparazzi. I have been overwhelmed fielding phone calls as to Britney’s, er Erin’s, whereabouts.
• I fell down a manhole and miraculously just emerged (Erin of course has been frantically searching) after three weeks without food or water.
• Unable to accept that the summer walking dare was not completed, Erin and I took off with new vigor and completed the remaining 390 miles, 628 kilometers, in three weeks and never complained once.
• I won $100 million in the lotto and have been completely overwhelmed meeting with lawyers, accountants and other such folk.
• Erin met a king named Teddy and quickly became enthralled with him. He moved in to her place and has not left. She has spent her days running her hands through his long hair.
• Erin and I got into a heated disagreement over what to title a post, flipped a coin for resolution and have been unable to post for several weeks. (We have to follow the coin rule yah know)…
• I was determined to be the first woman to walk solo across Canada. I didn’t make it very far as I not only forget my shoes , but my passport as well. Erin had to come and pick me up on her moped, which doesn’t travel over 35 miles per hour.
• Erin and I have been very, very busy watching the entire DVD collection of Star Trek The Next Generation and eating ice-cream while contemplating the future of humanity and laughing at the fashion.
• My shoes got stuck in double knots, I can’t get them untied and have been standing in my doorway ever since.

Seriously though, we are back and excited to pick up where we left off! Sorry about the delay!

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In love we all desire similar things - to be cared for, to be understood and to find safety and companionship. The lens through which we view our experiences, or Center, determines the means to meet these needs. Different Centers provide dramatically different views of how life should be lived and love expressed. This does not only apply only to romantic relationships, in fact it can be translated to all of one’s relationships.

Our Centers provide the basis for how we view the world. Through them we interpret our experiences, find motivation and determine our goals and dreams. Personal Centers are explained in more detail in a previous article, Girls Just Want to Have Fun. Understanding your Center provides clarity to all aspects of your life ranging from why you react the way you do to the frustration of feeling compelled to behave in a certain manner that causes you pain over and over ad nauseum. If you can learn to see and understand your center it is easier to see and understand other’s centers as well. It’s humbling to realize just how driven we are by oftentimes deeply buried motivations and beliefs.

Oftentimes it comes as a bit of shock when you realize that you are not the only person with a Center driving their thoughts, beliefs and actions. When the realization hits that everyone around you including your mate has a Center driving his or her choices it is an ah-ha moment. You can begin to play detective and through observation learn quite a bit about just what is driving the people around you, and the person you love. How do they view the world? Figuring this out will help you deeply understand their motivations.

Let’s look at two people, one who is Pleasure-Centered and the other Relationship-Centered. A Pleasure-Centered individual:

• Becomes bored over time by things that used to bring them happiness and excitement
• Is happiest when doing something fun and exciting and easily frustrated when denied fun and excitement
• Views their partner as either part of the fun or as holding them back from what they want to do and boooring!
• Has many friends and spend a lot of time seeking fun with these friends
• Finds serious discussions about the relationship or your alternative views as distasteful and frustrating, as there are better things they could be doing with their time

Likely this individual feels loved through a partner who is fun and supports their pleasure seeking desires - financially, emotionally and physically. Someone who understands the importance of dinners out with friends, Sunday game days, parties or shopping trips. Their life is near perfection when their partner wants to partake in all of these activities with them.

A Relationship-Centered individual:

• Happiness is dependent upon how their partner is treating them or the mood their love is in
• Expends much energy trying to appease or gratify their love
• When their partner is unhappy with them there is a great deal of fear and sadness and concern that they will withdraw their love for good and you will do nearly anything to stop this from happening
• All other things in their life from family to job take second place to their love or are done excessively in an attempt to take care of their mate

Just being with their partner is happiness for a Relationship-Centered individual. When the relationship is good so are they. It doesn’t much matter if they are spending time together out with friends or at home doing yard-work as long as they are with the person they love and this person is happy.

Do you see how these two can either compliment one another - or worse, complicate things for one another? For a Pleasure-Centered person the “good” life is through fun and a mate who supports their pleasure seeking desires - financially, emotionally and physically. For a Relationship-Centered person this is through a mate who longs to spend time with them, puts the relationship at the top of their priorities and considers the impact of the relationship first and foremost on any and all decisions from financial to family. Oh, oh! With these two very different drivers a collision is ahead!

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if all it took to have both a successful personal life as well as relationship was to see and understand both your and your partner’s Center? You could plan around it or adjust for it – maybe just explain what’s going on and things would change, right? Unfortunately not as much as one would expect. When you are entrenched in a Center it is difficult to see the negative consequences that are heading your way even when they are blindingly obvious to others around you (or at least those with a different Center!) and quite easy to overestimate the control you do have over both yourself and your partner’s behaviors.

The reason that understanding your and even your partners center doesn’t create a healthy relationship or at least a relationship in which the both of you can happily exist with both of your needs being completely met is because the centers we have been looking at so far are based on weakness. They don’t provide solid foundations. Strength doesn’t come from adding together two different sets of weaknesses and problems which you no doubt understand if you’ve ever personally experienced the collision of two Centers for the worst. The resulting confusion, pain and misunderstandings are painful to watch and you might begin to wonder if there just isn’t a better way to approach life – and there is – that of living a principle centered life.

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I have a confession to make. Not a big, earth shattering confession, but a confession none-the-less. The true reason I started reading Stephen Covey had nothing, not a single solitary thing, to do with personal development. No, it was all because I was interested in character development - I’m not talking about the development of my character - but the development of fictional characters. I’ve been re-reading the campy Travis McGee series by John D. MacDonald and have been awed by his ability to write characters that flow in and out of the series as comfortable as old friends. I got my first glimpse of just how MacDonald might bring his characters so alive that their growth and foibles seem sincere, often inevitable, while thumbing through Covey‘s The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.

I was intrigued by Covey’s description of people’s personal Centers and imagined the concept an excellent way to understand characters in my head, especially their motivations, internal conflicts and ultimately their actions. I decided to see if this theory held true, so I tested it on myself. “Ouch!” The truth was blinding. He’s had me in his grasp ever since. I haven’t been able to pull myself away instead looking deeper and finding his book a treasure. I have in fact learned a whole lot about character development, funny though, despite my intentions it’s been primarily about mine…

What are Centers?

Stephen Covey’s concept of Centers are fairly interchangeable with mental maps , filters and so forth. Each of us has a Center, or more often a combination of several Centers, through which we view and experience the world. Centers lie at the core of our identity and are a driver of our choices, where we find security and guidance as well as influence how we relate to and view ourselves, family, friends and even our jobs. In short, our Centers provide a base for the majority of our day-to-day decisions, actions and beliefs. They are also sources of our greatest strengths or most damaging weaknesses.

Since I tend to view the world as one big unfolding fairytale (or murder mystery or sci-fi novel depending upon the day) this is precisely where we are heading - back to a childhood staple - the story of Cinderella. Through understanding Cinderella and her Center(s) we can learn how to find the clues to our Centers that drive so much of our lives.

Cinderella, A Pleasure Centered Gal

Once upon a time, there was a lovely lady, dealt a very unfair hand by fate. Cinderella had everything, looks, smarts and a devoted Father who gave her, well, just about anything her heart desired. Unfortunately, he died and without anywhere else to go she found herself living with her quite overbearing Stepmother and equally unpleasant Stepsisters. Her status in the house was reduced to that of a poorly fed servant, clothed in rags and responsible for all of the cleaning and household chores.

Hmmm, Cinderella’s description of her life presents a bit of a problem as Stephen Covey doesn’t appear to have a Center for victims. However, he does explain that taken to extremes, any Center can leave you feeling like a victim. Well, this description does give us some clues to follow. Cinderella doesn’t complain about not having a successful job, lack of true love or a beautiful new carriage. Nope, Cinderella complains about not having any excitement, never going on social calls and having very few friends, except a few mice and birds. She does try to reach through the self-pity to create a little fun in her self-described sad and pathetic life. She sings, make believes and tries her very best to pretend her reality is entirely different from what it is. Yep, sounds rather like the unfortunate consequences of someone living from a strictly pleasure orientated center, wouldn’t you say?

Oh, a party?!?

One day in the midst of this very dreary existence an invitation arrived announcing a big party! Everyone was invited! Oh, of course Cinderella wanted to go and soon the ball was all she could think of. After a great deal of pleading her Stepmother saw how relentless Cinderella was going to be and agreed to let her attend if she finished all her chores first. Seriously, Cinderella wondered, how mean could someone be? She was already at a disadvantage because she didn’t have nice party clothes, but then to have to do chores first as well?!? Besides, do you know how much time getting ready for a party can take… Work always gets in the way of fun, doesn’t it?

Poor Cinderella! Held Back by Obligations

Skip ahead and the day of the party has arrived and Cinderella is finished with her chores; however she is devastated to find that her Stepmother has “rigged things” so she still will not be able to attend the ball. Cinderella is devastated. While I am certain Cinderella did complete her tasks, one must wonder how well they were really done, as cleaning up after others just isn’t much fun, especially when distracted by thoughts of a party! Many things can become barriers to achieving fun when your world is centered on pleasure - family, work and rules simply get in the way. Excitement, adventure and laughter are more important to Cinderella than family, keeping her word, saving for the future or even friends (unless, of course, they are part of the fun).

What Great Friends She Has

Cinderella was absolutely brokenhearted (some might say full of self-pity and sulking) about missing the ball. Lucky for her this is a fairytale not real life. Her fairy godmother appears, hooks Cinderella up with a killer dress and a sweet ride (really, how much more dramatic and exciting an entrance could she make than in a horse drawn carriage!?) and asks only one single thing; that Cinderella leave the party by midnight. In the bliss of looking good and heading out the door for a night of fun Cinderella whole-heartedly agrees to oblige.

Oh, Cinderella muses, what a great friend that Fairy Godmother is! Hanging around laughing, chatting, lending her clothes and then letting her head off to enjoy the night on her own - why couldn’t everyone be a bit more like this? Plus she didn’t ask a single, solitary question as to why evil old Stepmother said no in the first place. Why can’t I find more friends like her? This is going to be so much fun! Cinderellas does not stop to think about her family, authority, the chores she has left to complete or anything else, she just is focused on the fun.

The Happiest Girl Alive!

Once at the ball a happier girl could not be found. Not only was she having fun and looking good she was being noticed! They danced and laughed and made goo-goo eyes at one another and nothing much mattered to Cinderella besides this heady feeling - until she heard the clock strike midnight.

Woops! Cinderella‘s entire sense of self was derived from those oh-too-brief moments when she was on a pleasure “high“. When you are feeling this way, nothing else much matters, even promises you have made. In fact, Cinderella had completely forgotten her promise to leave the party BEFORE midnight - until she heard the clock strike midnight. Even as she ran, her thoughts were filled with the fun she had had. Hmmm…what did Covey say about consequences again? Good and bad? Well, we’ll soon see.

Who Are You?

Thankfully, Covey identifies many of the common Centers people operate under and gives “clues” to help identify which Center(s) might be driving you. This will make much more sense if you click on at least one of the links and read it through… They include:

Spouse
Family
Work
Possession
Pleasure
Friend
Enemy
Self

Did you recognize yourself or people around you in any of these centers? I did. Erin did too. It’s important to remember that each center is linked to consequences (some good, some bad) and although the exact consequences can’t be determined ahead of time we usually can get a pretty good idea once we understand enough about the center. Funny enough, it doesn’t seem to much matter whether or not our centers ultimately help or hinder us. Either way they just seem to feel “right” or natural. This natural feeling associated with your center is why it is easy to go through life unaware of why you act the way you do and why the things that just keep happening happen only to you.

Conclusion

You can figure out your own the center the same way we just did with Cinderella - acting as a detective and examining your own life. Look deeply and you’ll be surprised at what you see in both yourself and others. Remember each center has resulting consequences and impacts how we ultimately view the world and others in it. Consequences can be good or bad - they are nothing more and nothing less than the end result of your thoughts, words, actions and deeds. As you grow in awareness of your own center and observe both it and the associated consequences you will gradually be able to shape it as you see fit.

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